


Where were you?

by Coppice



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Violence, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Canon Non-Binary Character, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Sex, Modern AU, Original Character(s), Other, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Seriously slow, Sex, Slow Burn, Slowest slow burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29316591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coppice/pseuds/Coppice
Summary: Modern AU season 1 fic. Anne Lister is returning home from Hastings after a break up; Ann Walker from India, a mess. A car crash on Shibden land causes them to meet, and their past experiences start to unravel.
Relationships: Anne Lister (1791-1840)/Ann Walker (1803-1854), Anne Lister (1791-1840)/Other(s), Mariana Lawton/Anne Lister (1791-1840)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 78





	1. A bit past ten

**Author's Note:**

  * For [E. Copsedale](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=E.+Copsedale).



> This is my first fic, and it reads quite slow. I love these characters and this world, so please be patient and stay with me; we'll get there :) This work discusses and entails nonbinary and trans experiences, both of original characters and Anne Lister. If you find that a problem, then best try your luck with another story. English isn't my first language, so forgive me for occasional weird wording, funny punctuation and typos. 
> 
> Oh, first chapter has spiders. They're friendly, but just so you know. 
> 
> All the love and credit to my wife who wrote half of the first draft with me.

_Where were you, when it happened?_

_Where were you?_

_Were you in your own head, safely tucked away inside your skull, watching your life unfold in front of you, like a secret, nosy spectator? Or did you leave your body, drifted away somewhere, far away enough so that whatever was happening at the very moment would only ever get to you muffled, dimmed and unclear in every way? Or were you exactly where you were, painfully aware, and pleading with every fibre of your being that you could split apart and flee and hide, only leaving an empty shell to deal with the moment that was about to turn into a trauma in a matter of seconds?_

_We are affected by our worst experiences and memories differently. We turn inwards and never go back out to face what happened to us. We run, catching distance from ourselves, pretending what happened, happened to someone else entirely. We are stuck in the moment so much that we let it define who we fundamentally are. We blame and find faults, endlessly, in ourselves. We start to accept our unacceptable behaviour, because our trauma justifies it. We restrict ourselves, because we think we deserved whatever happened to us. We keep quiet, because it didn’t really happen and even if it did, it wasn’t so bad. Someone must’ve had it worse, surely._

_We become wonderfully imaginative trying to separate our trauma from us. We run faster, starve longer, sink deeper. We alter our bodies, change our appearance to carve out a new being, one that didn’t take a heavy blow from existence. We remain still, exactly where we’ve always been, hoping our history would be erased the next time we blink, trying to look at the world anew, but it is still the same._

Anne Lister could clearly, vividly see, and easily place herself at, every traumatic turning point in her life. She’d taken note of them all, voluntarily or not, and she had come to observe that not all of them, or what she remembered about them, had something to do with where it had taken place, or where she had been at the moment, but rather with how she’d felt, where her mind had escaped to, or where she had finally internalized the event. The episodes themselves had, in time, become nebulous in her memory, but certain sounds, smells, sights and sentiments could cook up an internal storm in seconds. Each of them had at least one sharp image, an unfalteringly precise visual stage that always appeared from the fog of her thoughts, should her mind happen to wander. 

**Eliza’s hospitalization** \- At York station, in a train that was constantly trying to leave the station, but never got anywhere. She kept seeing the same cars in the car park and the rail yard’s rusty ruggedness again and again.

**The death of her brother** \- Collapsed next to her backpack in the hallway, having just returned from a 10-day excursion to the Lake District. Throughout the funeral she felt her mind and body were still on the Helvellyn Ridge. Sam had become analogous to a clear-blue sky, high wind and happy exhaustion.

**Mariana’s wedding** \- Sadly, exactly where it had happened. She had tried to think of anything and everything else, but it had been as if her body was more finely tuned than ever to notice and remember every minute detail of the chapel, the priest, the flowers, the horrid condition of her cuticles. Her heart rate had accelerated with every word the priest had spoken, and she’d felt like her lungs had been filled with her rushing blood, making her fear if she opened her mouth it’d gush out. The feeling had not abated even when Mariana had snuck away from Charles at the reception to come kiss her. Anne still sometimes felt the way, when they were close.

**The death of her mother** \- Driving home from York, having to pull over to vomit. She can hear the cars speed past her, she can smell the muddy field and damp forest floor. The funeral was followed by a 2-month trekking trip and summit attempt on an 8k in the Himalayas. Nearly resulted in her own death.

**The death of her uncle** \- in the hallway, at home, performing CPR on him. Didn’t work, obviously enough. Often, her uncle’s dry-faced, displeased solicitor joins her in the memory, sitting on the mahogany bench by the door, enumerating to her rather tediously what her uncle had left to her in his will. Everything.

**Leaving Maria alone in Paris** \- Getting her takeaway coffee from the Starbucks at Gare du Nord, repeatedly extending her shaking hands to take the cup, having left Maria just a letter trying to explain herself. It had felt a bit like running away from home. Or just running. 

But now, before she opened her eyes, she couldn’t quite figure out where exactly she was. She felt heavy and soft, and she was lying down, and whatever she was lying down on was not terribly uncomfortable, but not something she was familiar with, either. It smelled dusty and warm, and it was much too light to be either her preferred waking hour (comfortably before 7 am every morning) or her own bedroom. She pondered, whether there was a reason for her memory to have blanked out momentarily to this extent, and she had a hovering hunch it was nothing pleasant. 

She opened her eyes slowly, and her eyes first caught a large, handsome red velvet carpet. She followed the edge of the carpet across the floor to meet a heater past its best days covered in dust. Above the heater, on a stony windowsill, an array of houseplants bathed in the bright grey daylight that had woken her, too. Sleepy, her eyes swept the room. The dusty smell was probably thanks to the numerous piles of books and papers that grew everywhere and reached varying heights. On both sides of the window, two large dark bookshelves housed a legion of volumes. Anne felt sorry for the works, especially the ones that had been shoved in between the flowerpots on the windowsill. They seemed to act as much as humidity collectors and decorative items as books. 

The window was big and drafty, but then again, she thought, remembering now where she was, it was the only window in this flat, save for that sorry shutter in the corner that acted as a kitchen. Anne blinked. She could hear the water running in the bathroom. Richie was awake then, too. 

For a moment, Anne was puzzled as to how she’d gotten to Soho in the first place. She didn’t remember arriving here, but she did remember leaving Hastings in a hurry. That was a bit foggy too.

Hastings. She struggled to remember the town, the apartment in which she’d lived for almost a year. It was impossible to remember Vere’s face, hear her voice, smell her scent. In her place, there ached a blurry stump, a remnant of something that hardly existed, and was now muted and murky to Anne. She knew what had happened; just she couldn’t remember any of it happening to her. But it must’ve been why she was here, crash landed on Richie’s worn, oversized, poison green sofa. So she took note:

**Break-up with Vere** \- After an indefinite amount of sleep, Richie’s sofa. 

Anne took a deep, tired breath, feeling like she had not breathed for the last 24 hours at all. She watched a house spider sprint across the red carpet and vanish somewhere under the heavy, horrid, dust-ridden golden brown curtain that hung forgotten by the left side of the window. She didn’t flinch at the spider; Shibden was replete with them, anyway. Besides, killing it wasn’t an option. Richie had lived in this flat for decades now, and they’d come to highly value their eight-legged companions, who helped keep other pests at bay. They had, Anne thought, probably given a name to all the spiders that frequented their quarters. Last night, Anne remembered distantly, as Richie had let her in, one had gone out. Richie had called it Bartholomew. 

Anne heard Richie come out of the bathroom, and the scent of shampoo, and the smell of damp, hot air momentarily filled the living room. She heard Richie’s light steps, and detected they’d stopped by the sofa to see if Anne was alive.

“One of your friends hid under the curtain” Anne croaked, and could sense her friend flinching at her sudden words.

“And another has had some sleep, I see” Richie replied, “good morning.”

“I’m not in a position to evaluate the quality of it” Anne responded, not moving. The spider appeared from behind the curtain and ran up the wall to the windowsill, vanishing into the large flower pot that housed an overgrown monstera. 

Richie sat down on the arm rest and sought to look Anne in the eye, but Anne kept her eyes low.

“What time is it?” Anne asked, suddenly feeling a chill, her body waking from its warm slumber. 

“A bit past ten.” Anne was roused. She jolted up and turned to face Richie angrily.

“And you let me sleep?”

“Reckoned you needed it” Richie raised a brow, and the only thing telling Richie Anne quietly admitted they were right to have done so, was a sharp long exhale from Anne. Richie stood up, absent-mindedly caressed Anne’s hair, and made their way to the far left corner of the flat.

“Breakfast?” Richie called to her.

“Coffee, if anything” Anne placed her feet slightly cautiously on the floor. Who knew, if some of Richie’s friends were living under the sofa. When she sat up, her heavy braid glid from over her shoulder to rest against her chest. The only thing she remembered doing with her hair yesterday, now that she thought back to it, was rake her fingers through it throughout the train ride from Hastings to London Bridge.  
  


“Did you braid my hair last night?” she spoke to Richie, fiddling with the dry ends.

“Yes. Not without consent, however” she heard Richie over the sound of running water. That would mean coffee soon, she hoped. She took a deep breath and sprung up, suddenly aching all over, but refusing to acknowledge that. She was wearing her own boxers and her own t-shirt. Good. Some sense of self, some structure had clearly remained. She took a few steps before reaching the sad kitchen corner, and started rummaging through the ancient cupboards and drawers covered in a thin, sticky layer of dated kitchen grease. 

“Are you looking for something specific, or is this a house search?” Richie sounded somewhat annoyed. They’d been sympathetic enough last night, and Anne had appreciated it, and certainly did not need their sympathy any longer. 

“Scissors.” 

“This is a house of no self-harm, young lady.”

“To cut my hair” Anne rolled her eyes. 

“What, now?”

“Yes, now. It’s dragging me down.” Anne was frustrated and she slammed shut the drawer she’d been checking. 

“Wait” Richie spoke, and Anne was afraid they’d disagree with her. She didn’t have the energy to counter-argue, but Richie continued, “I’ll tie it, so you can donate it.”

“No one wants my hair” Anne spat, but turned around anyway, when she saw Richie dug out an elastic band from a pencil stand near the sink. 

“As a breast cancer survivor, I can tell you someone wants and needs your hair.” On a better day, Anne might have apologised for her choice of words, but she remained quiet, and Richie didn’t contest her. 

“How short?” Richie felt her braid, yanking softly, “you sure? It’s quite handsome.”

“I’m handsome with or without. Just above the shoulders.” 

Richie took Anne’s braid gently with their slender fingers and tied the elastic band just below Anne’s shoulder line. Anne heard them open a cupboard and grab something, before their hand returned on Anne’s hair. 

“Ready?”

“Yes.”

“And you trust me?”

“Just cut it.” 

Anne felt a slight yank, and the prickling sound of hair breaking at the scissor blades sent a shiver on her skin. Her suddenly significantly shorter hair fell free and tickled her neck and shoulders. She turned and saw Richie hold the braid, looking at it down their nose. 

“It is ghastly, actually” they admitted, turning the now much less lively piece of hair in their hand. 

“Indeed. I’m going to take a shower. Can I borrow a towel?” Anne shook her freshly liberated head. 

“There’s clean ones in the cupboard by the door. Top shelf.” Anne nodded and strode back to the living room, dug out her wash bag and made her way to the bathroom, grabbing a soothingly coarse old towel from the hallway cupboard as she went.

“Oh, don’t be alarmed!” she stopped at the bathroom door, as Richie called out to her, “Larry lives under the sink now.” 

“Wonderful” Anne muttered and pressed the door handle, ready for another encounter with a house spider before her morning coffee. 

***

Despite the romantic decadence of Richie’s flat, they did have an ironing board and a clean, new iron Anne was grateful to use on her shirt she had, rather uncustomarily to herself, just tossed in her duffel bag and let it crumple. She’d hung her blazer on the coat rack, and was hoping the wrinkles on it would eventually smooth, or she’d have to go for her second-best option - a light grey jersey, one that Vere had gotten her, and one that she found herself disliking more and more by the minute. Richie came to her with a refill on her morning coffee. Anne didn’t appreciate the design of Richie’s biggest coffee mug (a Marvel mug with an Iron Man print), but she welcomed the size of it (460 millilitres). 

“I’ll open the shop at 12” Richie spoke as they handed Anne the mug, “will you stay here or go to Canary Wharf?” Anne shook her head and sipped her coffee, before replying.

“No. I don’t want to be alone. I’ll probably see if Mary’s in town.” 

She left the sentence hanging in the air, waiting for Richie to say something. She could hear their raised eyebrows, but Richie took a while with their words. 

“Hmm. Well, you know, you’re welcomed to stay here, too.”

“I know. I value our friendship and love you deeply, but to be honest, your sofa is a comfortable bed only to someone in so much emotional pain they cannot pay attention to physical discomfort” Anne smirked, and was relieved to see Richie return her grin. 

“And has your emotional suffering cooled down enough for you to pay attention to bodily maladies?”

“I’m not sure.” 

“Then, might I suggest that you think twice before contacting Mary?” Richie was suddenly more direct than Anne had expected them to be, “as your friend, I should hope to spare you from any additional emotional burden now.” 

“Hmm” was all Anne was able to say in her defence. Richie sighed.

“I suppose you’ve already contacted her.”

“Charles is in Cheshire--”

“I see.”

“Well, what’s the harm, really?” Anne snapped, “it’s not like he hasn’t slept around--”

“You’ll never find in me an ardent supporter of monogamy” Richie interrupted calmly, “and frankly, I don’t care about his feelings, or Mariana’s for that matter--”

“Oh, how touching. Thank you for worrying about me. However, I can vouch for myself--”

“And yet you dash to her every single time you get your fingers burnt.”

“Well, not every time, surely.”

“She won’t yield, Anne.” Richie was stern now. Anne had to wonder how miserable she must’ve been the night before, as Richie was suddenly so annoyingly protective. And annoyingly right. 

“What do you mean?” Anne contested, raising her chin a tad proudly. 

“She’s never going to choose you over him. She’s not going to come live with you--”

“Yes, yes, thank you, yes, I’m aware of that---” Anne cut them off, nettled. 

“Are you, though? Are you really?” 

“Well, I still care about her very much, and--”

“Yes, she cares about you too, Anne, I know that. I know her, and I’ve known you for as long as you two’ve been on and off and on again” Richie stepped closer and took the coffee mug from Anne’s hands. She’d started to tremble minutely, presumably with anger and shock. 

“But she keeps you dangling, and it’s not fair.”

“Well, she’s not exactly free, either--”

“No, but… Anne, come on. She’s talked out of everything and everyone you’ve had. She talked you out of marrying Maria--”

“And she was right to do so, that wouldn’t have lasted--”

“Maybe so, but that’s your call to make, not Mariana’s.”

“What are you trying to convey?” Anne was firm, yearning for this conversation to end with hopefully hers as the winning argument. 

“Look, she’s got the best of both worlds. She’s living an easy, wealthy life of comfort, and she’s got you on a call button the minute she longs for company. But where does that put you?”  
  


“On your sofa, apparently” Anne snapped. Richie took a deep breath and sat down on the back of the sofa. 

“Exactly. I know she’s got nothing, I hope, to do with your split with Vere, but…” they were quiet for a long while, and Anne lost her patience and turned back to ironing her shirt, “don’t hold her as a last resort. She’s been unavailable to you for years, and you know that.”

“What would you have me do, then? Hmm?” Anne retorted, “she’s my friend, first and foremost, and it may not have crossed your mind, but I might just want to talk to her--”

“Don’t seek comfort from someone who benefits from your pain” Richie spoke coolly and stepped back, knowing they may have just stretched Anne’s temper and patience to their absolute limit. Anne’s grip on the iron tightened, and she drew a sharp breath.

“I know what I’m doing” she finished, her lips tight, brow furrowed. 

“Well, as your friend I hope you do” Richie spoke and handed Anne her coffee back, “and I also kind of hope you’ll find a hairdresser before considering a lengthy outing in the public. It’s shorter, sure, but not very civilized.” Anne couldn’t help a smirk. 

“Thank you” she took the mug and didn’t flinch, as Richie tenderly caressed her shoulder. 

Richie got ready for work, and left some 20 minutes before Anne was ready to face the day. She was evaluating herself in the bathroom. The mirror was old and the light was yellow, but she knew a good deal of her reflection matched reality, bad light or not. She looked tired, tired like never before. Her skin was almost grey and she was unhealthily pale, her hair looking exactly what it was - chopped off in a mindless, pressing hurry. She felt a slight cold sweat all over, which could be due to her diet of coffee and water for the past 1,5 days, the conversation with Richie she’d just barely withstood, or her oncoming rendezvous with Mariana. Which needed to be postponed by an hour or two, as her need for a hairdresser was more dire than she had initially thought. She ran her index finger carefully across her face, over her cheekbones, under her eyes. Her skin was smooth, but clammy, and it was hard to feel the reality of her reflection on her fingertips. She stretched her neck assessingly, and decided she could not be bothered with beautifying herself (what for, she thought somewhat bitterly), and that her shades would have to do for looks for now. 

She strode back to the living room, and made sure she had everything packed, before she jotted down a thank you note on a post-it to Richie

_Thank you for:_

_\- 1 night crashing on a sofa in a central London location_  
_\- 2 hefty cups of coffee_  
_\- Exceptionally talented hairdresser services_  
_\- Midnight emergency reception of a very old, faithful, dear friend_

_I’ll let you know when I’m in town next. May you and your friends cohabit this space in harmony._

_Yours affectionately,_

_AL_

She knew Richie didn’t expect anything but their Iron Man mug washed, but Anne wanted to thank them, especially as she had been a bit curt to Richie this morning. A note would have to do; it was nigh impossible to be both sorry and vulnerably heartbroken in front of someone, even an old and extraordinarily understanding friend. She picked up her boots and knocked them together to make sure there were no spiders lurking in them, before she slipped them on and glanced around the flat once more. She’d crashed nights here ever since she came to study in the city a million years ago, and it felt homey. Somehow, this time, she felt as if she should no longer be here, at least not feeling like this. It was like her life had been rewinded to square one once again, only she was older and more tired now. Seemed a bit unfair, and she noticed she was frowning. She pulled on her blazer, plucked up her duffle and turned on her heel. 

“Goodbye, Larry” she spoke as she fiddled with the door lock, “and whatever your name is, monstera pot.” If possible, the air in the corridor was even stuffier than inside.

  
  


  
  



	2. Am I not welcome?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love Mariana <3\. Stick with me to the end of the chapter to get a glimpse of Miss Walker. There may also be a puppy.

Someone had cancelled their appointment, so she managed to get a haircut at a nearby hair salon only having to wait for an hour. She got a lousy chia pudding for breakfast from the nearby cafe, before sitting down in a small park. She texted Mariana to let her know she’d be a bit late, when texts from Vere started to flow in. 

_The courier picked up your things this morning_

_Are you in London?_

_Anne_

_(seen)_

_Are you alright?_

_Anne_

_(seen)_

_I never wanted to hurt you_

_Please just let me know u r ok_

_(seen)_

Anne’s lower lip trembled and she suddenly fought the urge to vomit. Her hand found its way to cover her mouth and she tried to gather her thoughts before typing a hasty reply.

_Thank you. I’m in London now. I’m alright._

With that, she turned off her phone and shoved it in her duffle bag so deep she wouldn’t have a desire to dig it up until much, much later in the day. She thought the hot late spring air would’ve blown away the cold sweat, but she found it surfacing again, and she took a solid 10 minutes to gather herself. For the rest of the hour she had to spend she walked down a few streets and sought refuge in a bookshop. The smell of fresh volumes had an almost sedative effect on her, and she slowed her pace, breathing slow and deep, stopping in front of a shelf at regular intervals to appear to be looking for something. 

“Can I help you?” the clerk startled her, and she turned a tad too rapidly to seem calm and collected.

“Oh, no, thank you” she smiled hastily and slicked her hair back, “I’m just browsing.” 

She turned away before the clerk could say anything else, and continued her walk. She ended up buying a new black leather notebook (she didn’t need a new notebook, but it felt calming in her hands) and a book titled “Thinking, fast and slow” which seemed to be the very thing she needed just now. She arrived at the hair salon 5 minutes early, and was soon attended to. 

“Just--- make it even” she muttered tiredly, ready to mull over the past few days in silence. 

“Gosh, I have to ask, what happened here?” the hairdresser spoke under her breath.

“Ah, uhm--- my niece” Anne waved her hand dismissively. She didn’t have a niece, of course. 

“Oh gosh.”

“Mhh” was all Anne wanted to say on the matter, and supposedly the hairdresser took her cue, as she did not utter another word to Anne until she was ready to ask if Anne was pleased with her work. Anne glanced in the mirror quickly and could see that her hair looked like it had been taken care of and for now that was enough.

“Yes, thank you, wonderful” she got up and removed the barber gown a bit clumsily, and handed it to the puzzled hairdresser, “how much do I owe you?”

“That’s £64.” Anne tried to avoid looking stunned, and spitting ‘that’s criminal’ in reply. 

“Card, please” she spoke instead, strode to the cashier and paid her due, and left as if she never intended to grace the place with her presence again. 

***

While in London, Mariana and Charles resided in Marylebone, in a handsome townhouse so high above anything Anne could ever dream of owning that visiting was always somewhat awkward (not to mention the added awkwardness of their continued liaison, of which Charles was presumably aware, but to what extent, Anne wasn’t sure). 

Anne had her own flat in Canary Wharf, a comfortable, modern 1-bedroom flat that would’ve been at the high end of her budget, had she not taken ruthless advantage of Charles’ well-established professional connections in the London real estate market, and gotten hers at a very generous rate. A fact that added to the burden of her and Mariana’s relationship, but as Anne both refused to see Charles as any sort of benefactor at all, and prized her relationship to Mariana above any other, she comfortably and continuously ignored any prickings of conscience about the matter. She was entitled to Mariana as much as Mariana was entitled to her - that was their agreement, or at least had been for years, although how binding it was seemed to mold according to each individual situation (and it was mostly Anne and her occasional romantic engagements that had to give way for Anne to keep on Mariana’s good side.)

Anne was happy to walk the distance, both to allow her some time alone with her thoughts and to get used to her shortened hair. She reached the quiet one way street soon, and strode confidently to the dark door. She didn’t have to wait for long, before the lock clicked and the door opened; good - Mariana had been waiting for her, then. 

“Hello, you.”

“Mary. How are you?”

“Mhh, nibblish. Lunch in or out?” 

“In, definitely” Anne almost pleaded, and Mariana stepped aside to let Anne in. She nearly collapsed the moment she heard Mary close the door. She slumped on the sturdy chair in the hallway and kicked off her boots. Mary came to her slightly cautiously, but extended her arm and placed her hand gingerly on Anne’s head. 

“Are you alright?” she spoke barely audibly. Anne leaned her head shyly against Mary’s palm. She took a few heavy breaths, fighting the accelerating heartbeat and the sharp iron fist she felt squeezing her lungs flat. 

“Hmm. Yes, yes. Just tired.” 

Mariana bended down and gave Anne a gentle kiss on the corner of her mouth.

“I’ll take your bag upstairs.” Anne waited until she heard Mariana walk up the stairs before she wiped her eyes briefly and sniffed to the palm of her hand.

It was a hot day, and they ended up lounging in the living room, keeping the doors open to the back garden to allow in some fresh air. Mariana had ordered in sushi, and even though Anne’s appetite had not returned, she reckoned she needed sustenance, and forced down a few pieces. She made herself comfortable on the obscenely large sofa, involving herself in her new book, while Mary snuggled up to her. They were quiet, Anne absent-mindedly caressing and playing with Mary’s hair, not really internalizing the lines her eyes were glancing.

“Any good?” Mary asked and looked up at Anne, who sighed, took off her reading glasses and let the book drop from her hand on the floor. 

“Plenty” Anne replied and allowed Mary to climb up to kiss her, “just I’m unable to focus.” She held Mary close and brought her other hand up to caress the back of Mary’s neck. Suddenly, she looked so dour and pensive, she made Mary chuckle nervously.

“What?” 

Anne shook her head minutely.

“Just... “ she sought to form a sentence, “with you, I feel like nothing’s happened. The whole Hastings affair just---” she waved her hand dismissively, “it didn’t happen. Everything is just as it was.”

“And it is.” 

“Yes, but… I will have to work on it” Anne sighed and let her head fall back. Immediately, she felt Mary’s finger brush along her jawline.

“Yes. Eventually” Mary agreed, and Anne couldn’t resist the promise in her words of a sanctuary in which time had briefly come to halt. The sudden snapping sound of the curtains batting against the glass doors in an abrupt gust of wind reminded her of the awkward and rather depressing fact that they were in reality, hiding. 

“When are you expecting your husband to be back in the city?” she spoke calmly not to rouse Mariana’s temper at the mention of Charles all of a sudden. 

“Not until after the weekend” Mary responded, “he’s got some birthday party or something to attend… irrelevant. You can stay until Monday, if you wish.” 

“Hmm. I don’t know yet. What about your neighbours? Won’t they… think, if they see us together?” Anne pressed the matter softly. She did not mind being seen with Mariana, but she knew it was a delicate subject to Mary, and they both knew they’d stretched Charles’ patience, imagination and reputation too far already with their pitiful past fabrications and excuses. 

“Oh, screw the neighbours.”

“Oh, we’re into that sort of thing these days, are we?” 

“Well, I’m not one to kiss and tell.”

“No. We’re both more the ‘kiss and lie to his face’ type, aren’t we?” 

“Can you just nip it and let me enjoy you?” Mariana shuffled and climbed to sit astride on top of Anne, “it’s been almost a year since I’ve last had you like this.”

“Mary, I broke up 2 days ago--”

“Are you uncomfortable, then?”

“Well, no--”

“Good.” Mariana silenced Anne with a long kiss.

***

Anne listened with half an ear Mariana talk to her husband over the phone. They’d gotten ready to go to bed, but for some reason Charles had called Mariana just as she had gotten out of the shower, and now Anne could hear Mariana’s soft tone from downstairs, but had lost interest in the contents of their exchange. Judging by Mariana’s tone and conduct, she was trying to soothe Charles over whatever his agitation was about this time. Some 20 minutes later Mariana returned to the guest bedroom, where they always slept when Anne was visiting, and smiled appeasingly. 

“Well?” Anne raised a brow, but didn’t look at Mariana, keeping her eyes to her notebook that she had been leafing through.

_I packed all my things._ Her own scribbled, panicked words caught her eye, and she felt her breath turn icy. 

“He was a bit tipsy, still at the golf club. Pissed, because he’d lost handsomely. Practically begged me to drive up.” The satisfaction and flattery seeped through to Anne’s ear from Mariana’s tone, and it made her frown slightly. 

“And will you?”

“Perhaps. But only when you’ve left.” Mary came to the bed and snuggled to Anne, Anne lifting her arm to allow her to crawl in, her eyes still on the notebook, but her attention to it deteriorating. 

_Turns out she’s engaged. Not to me, obviously._ Anne drew a sharp breath and hurriedly closed the notebook.

“I don’t suppose you mentioned my visit to him.”

“I saw no reason whatsoever.” At her words, Anne turned to peck Mary’s forehead affectionately. 

“I suppose he misses you” she spoke and put her notebook away.

“I suppose he does.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Not right now.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then?” Mary propped herself up on her elbows, casting Anne a quizzical, slightly annoyed look.

“I meant, if you’d hypothetically ever even consider leaving him while he still lived--”

“God, Freddy, do we have to---”

“Would you miss him, if you lived with me?” Anne continued stubbornly. Mariana sighed and rolled her eyes displeased.

“Well, he manages to entertain and humour me occasionally.”

“And I suppose he doesn’t criticize you over your life choices as ardently--”

“Oh no, in that you are equals, you two” Mariana scoffed and cut her off, “I don’t think a day passes when one of you is not at my throat for my conduct and decisions in life.”

“Mary, I didn’t---” Anne tried a more apologetic tone.

“Yes, I suppose I would miss him, despite everything. I suppose he misses me, either because his housekeeper isn’t there to keep him busy or because he, like me, is accustomed to my presence. Why does it matter? We’re here now, why do you let one phone call upset you--”

“Upset me? D’you think I’m upset?”

“Well, yes! You very much seem like you are! Couldn’t we just spend this one night without having to bring this up again?”

“Well, no, as his presence seems to be looming over you constantly--”

“He’s my husband. Perhaps that’s why!”

“Oh, yes, and where does that put me once again, hmm? In the guest bedroom.”

Mariana turned and cupped Anne’s face gently. 

“Freddy, please. Just--- leave it. For tonight. For my sake. We’ve not had a moment like this for nearly a year.”

“Did you miss me?”

“You know I did” Mariana ran her finger gingerly along Anne’s cheek and jawline, and when she reached to press a soft kiss on the corner of Anne’s mouth, Anne didn’t refuse her. Mariana lay her head on Anne’s chest, and Anne pulled the duvet to cover them both, taking off her glasses and placing them on her notebook on the bedside table. Mariana fondled Anne’s chest with tender, long and careful strokes. 

“Won’t you stay a day or two?” she whispered. Anne turned to switch off the bedside lamp. 

“Mhh” she replied indefinitely, but tightened her hold around Mary ever so slightly. 

***

"Fred..." Mariana called her lover softly and turned in the bed, awaiting a welcoming embrace from the other side, but finding it empty, "Freddy...?" she opened her eyes and sat up. 

The curtains had been opened and the golden morning light had taken over the room. Anne’s duffel bag was placed neatly on the bench at the end of the bed, but otherwise there was no trace of another person having been in the room. Even Anne’s side of the bed had been made. Mariana sighed and rubbed her temples, before shuffling out the bed and slouching sleepy out of the room, picking up her dressing gown from the chair by the door, where she’d left it last night. Nothing but the subtle rustle of a newspaper told her that Anne was still in, and she found her standing by the kitchen counter, fully dressed, sipping a coffee, scanning a newspaper somewhat impatiently. 

"Oh, you're up. Good. I'll be leaving soon; I'll catch the morning train" Anne spoke without lifting her eyes from the paper. 

"Alright..." Mariana muttered, accustomed to Anne's rapid moves on just about anything. She walked over to Anne and kissed her lightly "where to?" 

"Halifax." 

"Wha-- you're going back to Shibden?" 

This Mariana had not expected. Anne quite openly detested the small circles of her hometown and the tedious company of her family. Glorious history or not, it was much too small for a globetrotter like her, and the last place Mariana had expected Anne to pick to mend a broken heart. 

"For now, yes. The estate needs taken care of--" 

"Oh, I see, and totally not because you got your fingers burnt and want to mull over in self-pity in complete social isolation--" Mariana mused and fiddled with the collar of Anne’s shirt.

"Because there are improvements I intend to make---" 

"Whatever. Fred, you don't need to leave just yet, Charles won't be back for another day or two--" Mariana put her arms around Anne.

"And as you surely won't join me in Shibden, I hardly find a reason to hang around for any longer than necessary--" Anne sought to brush her off with her words, with immediate effect. Mariana ceased her embrace and stepped back.

"Necessary? Oh, this was just a necessity? You came here so that I would pat you on the head and tell you it's gonna be alright?" Mariana scoffed.

“No, I came here to offer you a chance, once again, to change your mind, leave your husband and come with me. But since you have no intention of divorcing and proving that you do love me more than just for this--“ Anne made a side gesture with her hand, meaning the sneaking around behind Mariana’s husband’s back.

“I do love you, Fred. I’m just not— I don’t like Yorkshire.” 

“I’m hardly ever in Yorkshire, Mary, so what a load of bullshit” Anne folded her newspaper and straightened her shirt.

“Well, has it ever crossed your mind that I might enjoy life with Charles?” 

“What?” 

“Well, he’s never here, he’s practically half deaf and reasonably interested in his housekeeper to leave me be mostly. It’s easy for me—“ 

“You’re a trophy wife!” 

“What’s wrong with that?” Mariana cocked her head. Anne’s eyes narrowed and she blushed very slightly. 

“Well, you could be my trophy wife” she knew it wasn’t her best offence, but it was the first that came to my mind and she allowed it slip.

“You’re not very trophy—“ 

“Excuse me?”

Mariana went around the kitchen island and sought a tumbler from the cupboard by the fridge. She looked sorry but proud at the same time, as she poured herself a glass of orange juice, while getting back to Anne. 

“He’s wealthy, and hasn’t denied me anything, even though he must be aware, to some extent, what goes on between you and me. He lets me keep a position on the board of his trust, so I’ll have something to fill my days with. I like living” she waved her hands around, “like this... And you can’t give me that.”

“Well, I’m not exactly poor--” Anne tried, hurt, “and you’d still get some of his fortune, if you divorced him--”

“Oh, you may like to think he’s an idiot, but do you seriously think the prenup isn’t waterproof? If I divorce him, Anne, I’m left with what I’m wearing at the moment.” 

Anne scoffed and turned away hard, taking her coffee cup into hand. 

“Just proves my point. You’ll never risk it for me, for us.” 

“And I won’t need to. Just be patient, we need to play our cards right--”

“I’ll be gone in a minute, and leave you to your life of leisure and luxury” Anne snorted and slammed the newspaper on the marble counter, turning on her heel and striding upstairs.

“Freddy, come on—“ Mariana rolled her eyes, picking up the newspaper and making sure Anne hadn’t left any ink stains on the delicate marble, before following her upstairs. 

She knew Anne was terribly hurt by her break up with Vere, and she just wanted company, comfort and security, but Mariana was losing her patience with Anne bringing up her marriage every single time they spent longer than two hours together. Anne was awfully clever coming up with reasons why Mariana should leave her husband, and Mariana racked her brain trying to come up with arguments as clever to counter. 

She nearly ran into Anne storming out of the guest bedroom, looking like thunder. They would’ve bumped against each other quite painfully, had Anne not let her duffel bag drop on the floor and caught Mary with her hands. Coming into touch with each other seemed to calm them both. Mariana placed her hands on Anne’s arms and ran them up gingerly to cup Anne’s face.

“You don’t need to go just yet” she mumbled, looking Anne keenly in the eye. Anne raised her brow and sighed.

“I know” she took Mary’s hand into hers, turned it over and pressed a faint kiss on her wrist, “but I want to. And Shibden will be perfect for me now. Hardly any sort of stimulus available. One can really seclude and commit to thinking, and thinking only.”

“Oh? Didn’t you just say you’ve planned renovations and all?”

“I can allow myself the occasional diversion” Anne smirked a tad sadly. 

“Good” Mary smiled and caressed Anne’s cheek, “I’ll be certain to promote myself as one, if I happen to go to Lawton. I suppose Charles can manage without me for a day or two, should I fancy a visit to Halifax.”

“He’s a grown man. I should think so” Anne mused, and leaned in to hastily kiss Mariana, “I must be off, Mary. I’m wealthy enough to afford another train ticket, but not munificent enough to allow myself to deliberately splurge.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sure your luxurious diet of coffee, bread and water keeps you on a tight budget otherwise.”

“Are you saying I’m a scrooge, Mary?”

“No, not at all, darling. I think you’re something worse, but I can’t blame you. It probably runs in the family, or, do remind me - did they not only add running water when you moved in?” Mariana smirked teasingly. Anne huffed. 

“I can’t believe my aunt and uncle used me as an excuse to yield to such frills. I could’ve done perfectly without.” 

“I’m sure, especially if it would save you a penny or two.” Mary reached to peck Anne’s cheek. 

“D’you know, I missed bickering with you” Anne spoke as they parted and started to make their way downstairs.

“Oh, Freddy, you really can exhaust a woman in so many ways.” Mariana smirked pleased as Anne turned to look at her from under her brow halfway down the stairs. 

Mariana watched silent as Anne slipped on her boots and pulled on her blazer, before briefly checking herself in the big mirror. She came to Mariana, lifted her chin gently with her index finger, and pressed an affectionate, quick kiss on her lips. 

“When can I expect you at Shibden?” Anne spoke suggestively, lips barely having left Mariana’s. Momentarily, Mariana was ready to discard everything, and leave with Anne for good. 

“A week or two” she mumbled with great effort, “I’ll keep you posted.” Anne cupped Mariana’s cheek and rested her forehead against Mariana’s.

“You do that, my darling Mary.” They were quiet for a long while, before Mariana softly squeezed Anne’s arm.

“Get going then, you.”

“Mhh. Look after yourself, Mary.”

“You know I will. Can you promise me that you will too?”

“No, not completely. No stupid risks, however.”

“That’ll have to do.” They shared one more brief kiss, before Mariana stepped to open the door for Anne. Their hands touched just slightly while Anne passed her in the doorway, but once out of the door, affection had to drop. 

Anne just nodded to Mariana, feeling suddenly the weight of having to hide their partnership fall on her the minute she was out in public, and trotted down the few steps before taking a sharp right and making her way down the street. She could feel Mariana’s eyes on her back, she lingered by the door for as long as she could see Anne. As Anne turned at the street corner, she in passing looked back and saw Mariana disappear back inside. She minutely shook her head and strode on, firmly deciding to walk all the way to King’s Cross station. 

***

She sighed and filled her lungs with the chill air, walking a good pace and letting the exercise wipe from her brain all the sadness she’d felt. She did feel better, her pulse elevated and blood humming softly in her ears, and once she got to the station and merged in the crowd, she felt less like her sadness and frustration would be so obvious to everyone around her.

She got some breakfast from the station and boarded the train early enough, texting Marian to expect her later today. 

_Seriously? I thought you’d stay in London._

_Your things arrived this morning._

_Seriously. I'm not. I'm coming home, staying for a while._

_How long is a while?_

_I don't know, am I not welcome?_

_Course you are, dummy. I'll let everyone know._

_Auntie will be happy._

  
  


Anne smiled slyly at her sister’s message, before putting away her phone and focusing on her work in progress. She had two reviews to write for next week, and due to the turbulence of the past few days in her personal life, her blog had come to a halt, too. What made matters worse, she had, in her blog, hinted at big personal developments in the near future; this too, of course, was a development, but not perhaps the one she had anticipated. It was hard to write about falling freshly in love and starting to build a home, when one had just been dumped by a girl who’d had a side affair with a man for quite a few months, and was apparently now moving said man in and planning the life Anne had just days ago pictured herself in. Well, Vere wasn’t a girl, but— Anne sighed and rubbed her temples as the train rolled out into the morning sun.

She spent the first hour of the train ride trying to remember what it felt like in the beginning, falling in love. That got her in a melancholy mood and it was hard to keep her heartbreak at check. She ended up spending most of the time just staring out of the window, looking at the green hills rolling by, not bothering to turn to the tasks at hand just yet. 

Her father was there to pick her up at the station although she had asked specifically not to come; she would’ve wanted to walk to prepare for the reunion with her family. 

“Hello, there” the old man hugged her, smelling like pipe tobacco. Anne smiled a bit forcefully. She felt sad and hopeless, but it was good to be with family at least.

“Where’s your luggage, love, you didn’t go to Hastings with a backpack, did you?” 

“I shipped everything from there, didn’t it arrive just this morning? I popped into London to say hi to Mariana. I didn’t want to drag it all with me.” 

“Oh, you went to see Mariana. I see. It’s all off then with... Vere, is it?” Anne turned her head away and the old man left it at that, just patting her on the shoulder. 

Her father opened the trunk and for a moment, Anne was speechless. She let out a surprised, quiet yelp and blinked in awe; there was a red Irish setter puppy in there, wagging its pitiful tail, clearly overjoyed.

“And who’s this?” Anne asked, blinking, but picked the puppy up and brought it to her chest. The puppy whimpered excitedly and licked her chin, and Anne brought it away from her and looked at it evaluating.

“This is Piero. I got him last week” his father spoke and smiled at the sight. The puppy had clearly brought something else to Anne’s mind, at least momentarily.

“Whatever for? We still have Argus.”

“Oh, I thought I’d take him with me hunting.”

“Hunting?” Anne frowned, “you can barely walk unassisted.” Her father huffed and rolled his eyes.

“I will have to take him, then” Anne decided, “and train him. And Piero is a ridiculous name. How’d you think people are going to look at someone shouting ‘Piero’ on the wolds? No, goodness, no. He’s--” she looked at him and squinted judgingly, “Jack, and that’s the end of it.” She brought the puppy back into a hug and scratched it behind its floppy ears. Her father chuckled and opened the door for her.

“Yes, well. You do as you see fit” he spoke as Anne sat down with little Jack still on her lap. He came around the car and climbed in. 

“Oh, I took the big car and all, thinking you had your suitcases with you... oh well, never mind. Come on then, I’m sure there’s lunch ready for you.” He started the car and Jack whimpered and moved nervously. 

“Shush. There’s nothing to it” Anne spoke to him and after a few sad little howls and whines, the puppy settled on her lap, resting his head on the back of Anne’s palm. 

“Good to have you back,” father spoke as they drove out of the parking lot.

“Hmm. Thank you” Anne replied, but fell silent, grateful that her father wouldn’t bother her more about any of it. Anne was free to mope around for as long as she needed. Maybe write next about heartbreak rather than falling in love. She knew everything about it anyway.

Seeing Shibden rise from behind the hills was not a sight to lift her spirits, and the puddled, bumpy unpaved road just reminded her of her tedious past here, and her ridiculous and desperate attempts to run away from who she was - much too country to live in a fancy seaside villa with an upper class girl. She sighed barely audibly and rolled the window open, letting the wind blow her hair. 

“Almost home” father said and pulled up before the side door to enter through the kitchen. Even if resentful, it felt good to return home, especially after Mariana's snobby comments this morning. Surely, Anne thought to herself, she was not the only one who loved her dear old home. One day there'll be a lady who would love Shibden the way she did. Respect it. She couldn't be the only one, and not all potential, interesting women can turn out straight, vulgar and stupid, surely. 

She got out, letting Jack run towards the back door. 

“Here we are'' she heard her father, but didn’t linger to listen to any more of his likely words of welcome. She just took her duffle, and strutting her way to the door, greeted their Irish wolfhound Argus on her way in. 

Her aunt and sister were sitting at the kitchen table, apparently enjoying what seemed to be the rest of their lunch. 

“Hello, aunt” she came to hug her aunt briefly.

“Hello, hello, my darling--”

“She’s cut her hair. You’ve cut your hair” her sister was snappy.

"Hello, Marian" she swooshed by her astonished sister, not even considering a hug.

"Did you leave him alone with your bags?!" Marian called after her. 

"Haven't got any, as you know, and I trust he can make it through the door on his own!" Anne replied. 

She kicked off her boots by the main door and made her way towards the sitting room, running up the stairs to her room. Little Jack dashed after her, slipping on the polished planks, barking as he tried to reach his new favourite person.

"Oi! Come downstairs, there's lunch---!" Marian strode after Anne.

"I need a change of clothes and perhaps a shower, I will join you in approximately 18 minutes," Anne curtsied at the end of the stairs to annoy Marian, before disappearing to her rooms.

She closed the door behind her, cutting off Marian’s annoyed bickering. She sighed and slid down to the floor with her back against the door. The tears came when she was finally alone.

She felt the respect and love for herself melt away, as she let her head rest against the heavy wooden door. She was spent, devoid of love or words of encouragement and comfort for herself. The feeling of disappointment, defeat and fatigue was so prevalent, that she felt her life force sucked out, and momentarily she was only able to breathe laboriously, her eyes fixated on her slightly trembling, folded hands in her lap. The bright midday light swept the old, dusty, dark floor and she noticed the few cardboard boxes by her wardrobe. She whimpered just slightly, and was both crushed and astonished that there was so little for her to take back from living with someone for almost a year. It seemed impossible that that was all that was left of the affair, and she figured when she’d open the boxes and unpack, it would just be her old things, nothing that would tell her that she had been elsewhere, in a relationship and ready to be happy. Briefly, she considered crawling under her handsome wood framed bed with the intention of never crawling back into the light again (never meaning roughly 20 to 30 minutes). If she did, perhaps her uncle would come upstairs and bring her a cup of tea. But it was no use, she thought. She was 41, and her uncle was dead, and both those facts, to her, ruled out the (momentary) seclusion under the bed for good. 

Once her breathing was steady and more effortless, she tried to reason with her situation. What made her so unlovable? Or rather, what made men so much more lovable and desirable to so many of her liaisons than her? She felt herself expire. She was too old for a relationship with women who wanted to explore - she needed someone who knew what they were doing and what they wanted. 

Everyone decent by degree or intelligence was in their twenties, and young ones like that just wouldn't do for a life partner; they'd fly away with the next best thing before anything serious anyway. Anyone her age she could think of were Mariana and Isabella, the first of which was a possible life partner only hypothetically and the second no longer even hypothetically for the simple reason that Anne had rising difficulties abiding her for longer than a few days at a time. 

She looked at her phone and had received a few messages from Mariana, some apologetic and longing, and a couple of lines stating plainly that she’d only go up to Lawton next week and would likely not have much time to visit. Anne grimaced and she sent yet another iPhone flying across the room, and it knocked down an ancient brass candle holder on the way. She heard the screen shatter and was grateful she had kept her old phone in the top drawer, in case she'd break this one (which she knew would happen at Shibden most likely sooner or later, either due to a tantrum, maintenance work or a hearty fall at the crag).

She panted and gasped, trying to calm down. She got up and gathered herself. She changed clothes and pushed away thoughts of relationships. She opened her hair and washed her face before she tossed her duffel on the bed and began to unpack what little she had in it. 

She had money, she had friends, some family, and something of a name to herself, even. And she had been loved, by some, if not to the measure she herself hoped for and honestly thought she deserved, but nevertheless she had been loved. Life could've been much crueller to her, she thought, even though it did sometimes seem like it was cruel on no one else but her specifically.

There was a faint knock on the door, and she quickly wiped her cheeks to the back of her hand, before turning.

“C-- Come in” the words seemed to stick in her throat. The handle was pressed down, and the first one to enter was an overjoyed setter puppy, who was barely able to dash to Anne for all his excitement.

“He got quite miserable downstairs, not being able to follow you” her aunt spoke and peeked in, “may I come in?”

“Yes, yes of course” Anne smiled sadly and picked the puppy up. 

“If you want to be with me, you’ll have to learn to climb the stairs” she spoke to him, as he sought to lick her face.

“Gather he likes you, then? I thought he might. It’s good, really - Jeremy hardly knows what to do with him.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Anne huffed and put the puppy down, and sat back on her bed. 

“Are you alright?” her aunt asked, stepping in and closing the door after her. 

“Yes, yes, just-- unpacking” Anne shrugged. Her aunt sat down on the bed next to her. 

“I was surprised, when your things arrived” she nudged towards the boxes, “yesterday. And then Marian says you’re on the train coming home. Is everything--- you’re not living in Hastings then, anymore?” she sought to take Anne’s hand and Anne didn’t refuse her.

“Hmm, no. No, I’m not. It’s uhm… it’s off. I’m here for a while.”

“Hmm. I see.” Anne felt the weight of the confession crash down on her, and she leaned her head against her aunt’s shoulder, trying to fight back the re-emerging tears. 

“D’ you know, we’ve had a bit of an episode here, too, the other day” her aunt spoke, “someone speeding on the main road in the dead of the night. You remember the Hardcastles?” Anne nodded, sniffing.

“Their eldest, Henry, he was driving home from a party, and had to pull over to not crash head on with this… lunatic. Poor Henry then crashed his motorcycle to the old stone fence, and Ms Walker her car. No casualties, thank heavens, just poor Henry broke his leg. The fence and bike and car wrecked, of course, what a mess--” 

“What on earth was Ms Walker doing there, then?” Anne muttered, frowning, but keeping her eyes closed.

“She was fetching her niece from the airport. Apparently she’s back from India after two years there. They came here, old aunt Walker and the niece and their driver carrying Henry, all very shaken, asking if we could drive them home. Marian did, and called the police and an ambulance for Henry; what a helpless, sorry bunch they were! You should’ve seen the girl, like a ghost. She’d hurt her head, and her aunt would’ve wanted her to see a doctor, too, and frankly, to me she looked… well, the lights were on, but there was no one home. Well, no, that’s mean, but… She looked spiritless, somehow. Apparently, she is now settled at Crow Nest. Good to know the house isn’t empty anymore. Well, I told them we wouldn’t discuss any plans for reparations before we’d informed you.”

Anne turned her head minutely and sniffed again, before clearing her throat.

“You did right. And if her niece is settled in Crow Nest, then it's her land that borders ours, and not aunt Walker’s, so I should very much like to do my business with them. She has a family, doesn’t she?” 

“No, this is the younger one. I was wondering the same” her aunt added, after seeing Anne’s puzzled frown, “what would one do in such a big house alone?”

“What indeed” Anne scoffed and sat up.

“Unless she’s gotten married” her aunt pondered, “but it didn’t seem so.”

“Aunt, I’m not one for town gossip. I have neither need nor itch for it.”

“I know, darling. But it doesn’t happen everyday, something like that.”  
  


“Well, as long as lives weren’t lost, the rest is just matter that can be replaced” Anne said rather coolly. Her aunt patted the back of her hand gently.

“Remember that, won’t you?” she pecked Anne’s forehead, before getting up, “won’t you come downstairs? There’s lunch. You look pale, have you gone without eating again?”

“No, no, I had plenty to eat at Mary’s--” Anne sighed and got up. She noticed the puppy by her wardrobe, quite confidently taking a wee next to a pile of books on the floor. Anne dashed to save the volumes, and the puppy scurried under her desk, evidently now aware that he may have done something out of the line. Anne exhaled sharply and placed the books on her bed. 

“I’ll come as soon as I’ve dealt with this mess.”

***

"Did something happen in Hastings?" Her sister did not waste time getting to the point the moment Anne sat down to the kitchen table for lunch. 

“I thought you’d be done with your lunch by now, Marian” Anne spoke unctuously.

“Lunch maybe, not you and your sudden turn up. Go on then, let’s hear it.”

“Ahh. Nothing. Nothing happened. I just got homesick” Anne thought it better to be civil now, to avoid more confrontation and allowing emotion to take over her. 

“Anne.” Her sister saw right through her, and was, as usual, persistent. 

“Well, yes. Everything fell through. So I’m alone again” Anne snapped, “happy?” 

She raised her brow for just a second and reached for butter, which now a much more sympathetic looking Marian handed to her. 

“No, of course not” Marian muttered, “are you alright?”

“Venture a guess, Marian” Anne smiled, her eyes narrowed, and Marian left it at that.

"Oh, dear” her aunt started, possibly to make sure they’d not bicker more, “Well, I--- I really thought she'd be the right one for you, Anne. Such a nice girl she seemed, Vere. Especially after all those years of turmoil with Mariana and---" 

"Yes, thank you, aunt, I-- mhhhm, it's fine, it's good. Turns out Vere was seeing-- someone while we were--- while I thought we were---" Anne struggled with her words, appetite gone.

"So, Vere isn't queer?" Marian muttered, trying to hide her satisfaction at her own pun. 

"No. No, not queer enough, apparently, anyway--" 

"So it was a man, then? She was seeing a man?" her father butted in, "how outrageous!"

“Yes father, it actually is when there is talk of engagement and commitment. It’s called cheating.” Anne snapped back and bit into her toast.

"And nothing short of it" her aunt accompanied, "we've had quite the storm here about such things too with--" she continued before snapping shut. Anne looked at her puzzled and then turned her head to Marian, who was suddenly growing red and blinking. 

"So you-- and that John guy--- no?" Anne tried to speak as she was processing Marian's changing expression. Marian just shook her head and excused herself from the table.

Anne lifted her brow quickly and turned her gaze away.

“Oh. Oh, well. Good riddance. You can do better.”

“Oh SHUT UP!” Marian burst and left the room, stomping upstairs, unable to stop her sobs.

Anne inhaled sharply and bit into her toast again. Her father and aunt remained silent, looking tense. Anne rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I'll go," she spoke and stuffed the rest of her toast in her mouth before getting up. Marian had disappeared to her rooms, and Anne took a deep breath, holding the bridge of her nose lightly, frowning as she arrived at her sister’s door and knocked. 

“Look, I was a bit terse,” she said dryly, “for which I apologise. But really, what I meant to say is that you’ll be alright. You’ll--” she exhaled and placed her hand on the door briefly to gather herself, “You’ll be alright.” 

Not seeing Marian gave her the creeping feeling that she was speaking as much to herself than to her sister. Then she heard a faint sniff from inside the room, and she shook her head minutely, patted the door promptly, and made her way downstairs, where little Jack was waiting for her at the end of the stairs. 

“Have they mistreated you or is there another reason why you are so keen?” she muttered to the puppy, but walked slowly enough to let it follow her with ease to the kitchen.

“Right, that’s dealt with” she declared and sipped the rest of her water, “I’m going out.”

"Wha-- now?" her aunt jolted. 

"Yes, now. I'll spend the day at Earl Crag, is my climbing gear still in the main hall? Good." 

"But you've barely eaten--!" her father exclaimed

"I've had plenty, thank you. I will be back after dinner, so don't wait up. Are the crash pads in the garage?"

“Yes, yes they are-- are you going alone?” her aunt interrupted Anne walking out of the kitchen.

“Thank you. Yes, I’m going alone. Does it seem like I’ve had the time to make plans to meet anyone?” 

“Wouldn’t put it past you, darling. Will you be alright? What if something happens--”

“Nothing ever does, so--” Anne waved her hands, frustrated, “am I dismissed?”

“Yes, yes, go on then, get your thrills” her aunt shook her head, “won’t you take the puppy with you?”

“He’s of little use to me there, so no. And I trust you can manage him for the rest of the day, surely” Anne was itching to leave already, her voice strained as she spoke. 

“Yes, of course. Have fun, you, and take care!” her aunt called after her, as Anne turned on her heel and strode down the corridor, out the door and across the front yard to the garage.

“Must be a new record” her father scoffed and took another slice of bread, “how long was she in this time?”

“An hour and---” her aunt took a look at her wrist watch, “3 minutes.” 

“And she’s cut her hair,” he added. 

“Again” she admitted.

They shared a pensive look and Anne’s father hummed discontent. 

Anne went her way with her crash pads and shoes with her, despite the questions and attempts to stop her. They weren’t persistent anyway, since they knew Anne did what she liked. She drove up some 40 minutes and found the place practically empty of other boulderers. She walked a short distance to a location she’d had in mind during her drive; a place that had enough soft warm up routes to prepare her for the two absolutely grueling climbs she was going to attempt. It wasn't optimal, but she wasn’t in the mood for sport climbing or returning to the boulders nearer to home now; she needed distance, a sense of something different but distantly familiar and welcoming, still. How she longed to drive up further north and do a proper session, and be gone for a whole week or two, even! Or just leave the country altogether and go climbing somewhere for six months, just absolutely vanish, and forget she ever felt pain other than physical. She twisted her shoes for a bit to warm them before putting them on and placing her crash pads under an agreeable first climb.

***

Not with quite as glorious a history as Shibden Hall, and not exactly a stone's throw away from Anne Lister’s home was another old building that had recently welcomed back an inhabitant. They, unlike Anne Lister upon her arrival, preferred not to venture, and to stay inside and lay low as much as positively possible.

Anne Lister would’ve called it a stroll, but to anyone else the distance from Shibden Hall to the main building of the neighbouring, much larger estate, was a solid walk. On a clear day, if you walked up the nearby hill at Shibden, you could see the slightly unnatural large patches of clear, green grass spread between neat lines of trees on the lowland to the west, marking the two golf clubs belonging to the Walker estate. If you’d have trouble finding the main building among the houses that dot the area next to the golf courts, you could possibly spot the Walker gardens before the building itself, and let your eyes glide across the third meticulously maintained green field in the area, with more trees, bushes, greenhouses and fountains than the golf courts, and arrive at the doorstep of a handsome country house.

Anne Lister had not passed the Walker estate on her drive north, and she didn’t much care for them, anyway. They were either dead or lived far away, little cared for what they owned, and she absolutely detested the golf courts - in her opinion, there was no greater waste of time, effort and money than golf. She would’ve, therefore, also missed the midday sun reappearing from behind a large, looming fair weather cloud, drawing out a resident that had spent their day mostly on a divan in the estate’s sun room. They opened the glass pair doors to the lush, well-tended garden, to let the fresh late spring air into the room that had acted as their lair for the past two or so days. Just as they stepped on the first step of the short flight of stone stairs leading to a small patio, marvelling at how warm the step was against their bare sole, they heard the doorbell ring.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake” Ann Walker cussed and buried her face in her hands, “just leave me be.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a lengthy chapter; well done for making it to the end! I try to keep it shorter from here on. Now that we've got Anne Lister home, let's see how Ann Walker is doing :)


	3. Admirable dedication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne Lister has her blog and her notebook. Ann Walker has her inner monologue. 
> 
> TW: panic attack/anxiety attack, self-loathing, minor self-harm, traumatic experiences

Ann Walker’s aunt, confusingly enough also called Ann Walker, was not impressed by the sight of her niece.

“You are still in your nightgown!” she tutted and invited herself in, pushing past the dreary looking younger Ann Walker. 

_Yes, and?_ Ann thought, but just sighed, nodded and closed the front door.

“It’s midday!” the older Ann Walker was shocked, and scanned her niece from head to toe. 

Ann Walker’s hair was loose, a tangled light cloud surrounding her face, falling over her shoulders, strands of it almost reaching her elbows. She was pale and somewhat gaunt, bags under her eyes. A handsome bluish-yellow bruise decorated her right temple, a solid reminder of the incident she’d been involved in within the first 2 hours back in her home country. Her old, dowdy flower patterned dressing gown dragged her down, and she guessed her ancient teddy bear print pyjama did not add to her aesthetics.

“I got home 2 days ago, I’m jet lagged” Ann tried to sound neutral, but annoyance likely seeped through; she’d been home for just about 56 hours, and her aunt and her cousins had popped by to check on her 6 times already; probably using the car crash and her mild injury as the perfect excuse to pop in unexpectedly (and not entirely welcomed). 

“Nonsense. I read, on the internet, that jet lag is not nearly as bad when returning home from the east--”

_You googled jet lag just to get at me? Wonderful, aunt, admirable dedication--_

“Maybe. You seem well, aunt.”

“The same can’t be said about you. How’s your head? Have you showered? Have you eaten? You look pale, dear, I’ll call the doctor--”

“Please, I’m sure they’ve got better things to do than to tell me to rest and recover” Ann tried to wriggle out from under her aunt’s scrutinizing gaze, “tea?”

“You look dreadful. Anemic.”

_Thank you. Anything else?_

Ann sighed, nodded and rubbed her temples gingerly, fighting the urge to spontaneously combust and cease existing out of sheer irritation. Her aunt gave her a quizzical glance from under her furrowed brow. 

“Tea would be lovely” she finally spoke. Ann nodded and waved her hand towards the living room door.

“Please” she spoke and saw her aunt in, before making her way to the kitchen to pop the kettle on. 

The five or so minutes it took her to make the tea allowed her to calm down, ready to take on whatever her aunt had in the bag for her this time, with quiet nods and tired exhales of acceptance. She had figured that the best way to keep her relatives at bay was to either leave the country for as long as possible, or to just do whatever they wished her to, to keep them from meddling with her affairs any more than necessary. The two years she’d spent in India had been the happiest of her life so far, and she still wasn’t entirely sure if it had been a good idea to return home. Right now it felt like she’d sunken back into a muddy fish pond in the back garden, where nothing had stirred the water for at least a hundred years. 

Pouring the tea, she splashed hot water on the back of her hand, and had to keep it under running cold water for so long her aunt had gotten agitated, and joined her in the kitchen, making a fuss about Ann’s mistake, trying to convince herself and Ann that it would be the best to visit the doctor. 

“Look, my hand is fine. I was just clumsy, is all” Ann tried. 

“You are not yourself” her aunt insisted.

_How could I be? I’ve been gone for 2 years. I don’t exactly know how to pick up from where I left. I don’t even know where I left._

“You are pale, and shaky, and-- Ann, tell me that you’ve eaten something in addition to the popcorn I found in the living room.”

“I’ve not been hungry---”

“Coffee and popcorn, then, is it? And re-runs of Pointless? You’ve left the telly on.”

_Well, yes, it suits me. Just like my life. Pointless._

“That is not a good way to spend your days, young lady!”

_Oh, a lady, really? By how you just talked me down, I’d venture to say I resemble a feather duster more._ Ann was too tired to argue, so she just nodded, and served the tea a tad more crassly than she’d intended to.

“I’m just worried about you, dear!”

“Whatever for?” Ann sighed and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. _I’m home and breathing, still, as far as I know--_

“Well, for your injuries, to start with! And you’re here all alone, no company, no family, no friends… I made a promise to my brother to look after you, when he died.”

_He died in an accident. How did you know to make a promise like that so fittingly just moments before he died?_

Ann raised a brow and looked at her aunt.

“In my heart” her aunt’s voice trembled and she sought to take Ann’s hand, “and I intend to keep it. We need to get you back on your feet.”

_Do we?_

“I’ve been walking in the garden.”

“You know what I mean. Out of this house, out of eating popcorn and sleeping on the sofa all day.”

“Aunt, I’ve just gotten back, I haven’t had the time to--”

“Plan?” her aunt raised a brow.

“Exactly. Can’t you give me a day or two, still, to settle in? Or at least get rid of this--” Ann signalled at her bruised temple.

“Of course, dear. Just… I think starting with something usually gets you going more so than staying still. I understand. You are alone here, you miss your sister, you miss your life in India, but… Wouldn’t you just try to get out and about, if not for yourself, then for me?” Ann sipped her tea, deciding it was probably easiest to just let her aunt suggest whatever she had in mind for Ann, and be done with it. 

“Anyway, it would be the decent thing to do to go and say hello to your neighbours.”

“Hmm?”

_What, to all of them? There’s over a dozen houses on the lane here!_

“The Listers, from across the golf courses, up the hill. I think it’d be the decent thing to do, to thank them properly, and frankly I think they will be expecting you to pay a visit.”

“Why? What for?” Ann was puzzled. _As if I can ever show my face in there again!_

“Well, to thank them, and to discuss the reparations to the stone wall, you know, where we crashed--”

_And why’s that my headache all of a sudden? You’re the one who put your nose into it, anyway._

“What am I needed there for?” Ann blinked and sipped her tea.

“Because it’s on their land, and you are their neighbour.”

“Won’t the council take care of these things?” Ann cocked her head.

“The crash site is on a private road. The expenses will fall on the landowners, in this case, the Listers.”

“Well, can’t you take care of it, then, aunt? Since you already seem to be familiar with all the practicalities, and them, the Listers, and all” Ann pleaded.

“Well, I would’ve wanted to take care of it right away, but you remember they wouldn’t say anything about it before consulting Ms Lister. I suppose you can just wait until they contact you about it, sooner or later. But I think it would be proper, if you’d take initiative. You are their neighbour now, since it really is your estate and not mine, it should be you who deals with it--” 

Ann moaned internally and fought the urge to toss her head back. 

“Aunt, I know nothing about these things. They don’t expect me to march there and tell them that-- what exactly?” Her aunt shrugged and raised her brow.

“Well, if I remember Ms Lister correctly at all, all you have to do is to offer to pay your share. She’s not likely to let anyone meddle with anything that can be considered her business, on her land.” 

“Her? I thought her father owns the place.”

“No, it’s hers. Her uncle left it to her. I haven’t seen her in ages, though. Eliza reads her blog, and-- well, it seems she’s quite… busy.”

_Good. Now I know not to bother her with something I barely know of myself._

“Yes, I’ve heard about her blog. So she’ll take care of it, then?” Ann wished to conclude. 

“Well, I suppose so. But I still thought it would do you good to get out of the house,” her aunt continued adamant, “so I asked Eliza and William to take you with them. They’re going there for tea tomorrow.” 

_Wonderful. That gives me a whole day to look for a place to hide._ Ann exhaled sharply. 

“Oh, Ann!” her aunt was at her wit’s end, “it’s just a visit! Takes you 15 minutes, and then it’s done. And you’d see some new faces--”

_I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see new faces. And who’d want to look at this face? I look mauled._

“I guess so.”

“Well, they’re not exactly new. You remember Marian? Marian Lister? She’s a little older than you, but could be great company for you--”

_So, what? Now it’s a play date? Won’t it look just a tiny bit ridiculous that Eliza and William drag their bruised, reluctant, interesting-as-dust cousin there so that she may feel like she’s still a part of this world?_

Ann put her mug down a tad too forcefully.

“Alright.”

“Yes, dear. Wonderful. I knew you’d like it. I’ll tell Eliza to come pick you up at three.” Ann stared blankly ahead, wondering if everything about her was on a wavelength that could not be detected by her family members. 

***

To appease her aunt, Ann Walker had a slice of toast and a boiled egg, but after a two day diet of popcorn and coffee, eating something else suddenly made her nauseous and all the more dreary. It did not impress her aunt, and so she left with a guarantee to Ann that she’d be back to check on her first thing tomorrow morning. When she’d gone, Ann made her way upstairs to her bedroom, where a solid mess of partially unpacked bags was waiting for her. She’d had a sleepless night, and had decided to start getting her life back together, but had apparently then been too bored to finish what she’d started, and dozed off on the bed. The room smelled of dust and dirty clothes, although she knew her aunt had had the housekeeper in just days before Ann’s arrival. 

Ann tossed herself on the bed and found little reason to ever get back up again. Her ears rang softly and her head and neck ached, and she was exhausted physically and mentally, wanting to just close her eyes. 

She had, by some miracle, just a few days ago crammed her entire life into a handful of suitcases, and now it lay half unpacked around her, completely unattractive and unrecognizable to her. She knew they were her things; her clothes, her shoes, her books, her everything. Nothing of it seemed to fit this world around her now, however. In all honesty, she’d rather have shoved it back in the bags and dumped it all somewhere. 

It was incredible that somewhere, India still existed, that it was early evening in Himachal Pradesh, that people still lived there and went about their day even though she wasn’t there to witness any of it. She opened her eyes and the ceiling above her bed looked exactly like it had for all 29 years of her life. She wished she’d felt sad or angry or something, but she just blinked, feeling a vast emptiness grow inside, hollowing her and casting her back to being poor little lonely Ann, all alone in the big house once again, all the time in her hands, but nothing to do with it and nowhere she desired to go. She figured if she’d drop dead on the spot, she’d be sent back to haunt the building to make sure she didn’t leave it in the afterlife either. 

Oddly enough, she found herself not wanting to go back. Whatever she had left behind (it was all a hazy dream in her head already, and she wasn’t sure if she had lived or dreamt the whole thing) could no longer be attained in any satisfactory way. She’d had the most blissful two years teaching, volunteering and travelling, but then the obnoxious, annoying, lecher Ryan, a backpacker from where else but fucking Bristol, had had to pick the same spot as her, her beloved community where she trained and taught and enjoyed her life, and develop a crush on her, and act on it. So Ann had done what she did best: she panicked and fled, come the first opportunity. 

She turned on the bed and felt a slight bit of remorse over the fact that she’d let someone swoop in and rob her of her everyday life just like that, and not do anything about it, but then again, she figured, if she couldn’t be certain that the past two years had even been real, what was the use feeling sorry about losing something she wasn’t sure she’d had it in the first place. She was always, one way or another, homeward bound. Whether it’d been the death of her father, her mother or her brother, this is where she’d ended up every time - alone in the house, alone in her bed. Frankly, she was surprised no one had died this time around.

Unlike Anne Lister, Ann Walker could not clearly place herself in every major traumatic event in her life, but that didn’t mean they didn’t creep in on her occasionally and without a moment’s notice (like when one is left with nothing but their own gloomy thoughts and a messy room around them), tossing an elusive image on her eyes, just to swim away as soon as she paid attention to it. She could, of course, remember them all; but to her they were distant chapters of a story told to her, where the characters just happened to resemble those she had around her in her own real life. 

**Shaving** \- As a child, she’d cut her hand accidentally with their father’s razor. She’d seen it by the bathtub and wondered what it was and, as she recalled it, it had cut her palm as soon as she had touched it. It had been a shock, of course, seeing blood, and thinking back to it she’d often thought that there was nothing quite so personal, upsetting and weirdly unnatural as coming across your own blood. She was always extremely delicate and cautious, when she shaved. During the two years away from home, she’d been happy enough to not bother.

**July** \- The month of July sent her to a mental hibernation. Every year, they’d go to a summer camp. First as a family, but then just them, the children. They’d meet with friends, but Ann only really remembered the Ainsworths. She knew they were supposed to be happy memories, but she couldn’t help feeling queasy about the summers there. She guessed she was to blame; she could have stayed home and not go, if she really didn’t want to. She could’ve said that she didn’t want to. So perhaps, then, she had wanted to. 

**Itching** \- Whenever she itched, she’d remember how one summer, just before the start of the school year, her skin, especially her left flank, had itched so bad that she had scratched it until it bled. It had been infected, of course, and she had started the school year in a sick bed, feverish and embarrassed. 

**The death of her father** \- This memory was sharp and clear. She remembered vividly how her classmates had looked at her when she’d gotten back to school after the funeral. She knew they had probably had a laugh about it, and she couldn’t blame them; she’d sniggered about it too, in her head. Who falls off a roof and dies? 

**Drinking beer** \- First year at uni, a night at a pub, and just as she had strugglingly finished a pint, a guy from her year had approached her and asked her out. She hadn’t even been drunk, but she had promptly vomited on herself and him, leaving her with a reputation that she was unapproachable to all men. For which she had, mostly, been grateful. No beer, then, ever.

**The death of her mother** \- She knew this one crept in because her aunt had mentioned Anne Lister. Anne Lister always brought the first few weeks after her mother’s death to Ann’s mind. She’d visited them, the three of them, after the funeral, and Ann recalled having wondered if she, her sister and her brother were actually dead as well; Anne Lister had been so full of life that the house seemed to shift and arise from its sleep, when she arrived. She’d stayed a while, just chatting, and had told some absolutely horrible pun about death (something about autopsies being a dying business) and Ann shook of embarrassment remembering how she’d giggled hysterically at it. It had been the first time she’d laughed in days. She’d been both relieved and disappointed that Anne Lister had not been at Shibden Hall, when they’d suddenly turned up there in the dead of the night after the car crash. She must be busy being full of life some place else.

**The death of her brother** \- Her body had completely given in, when John had died. She’d lost weight, become anemic, inhaling and exhaling had felt like the most arduous labour. Losing their mother so suddenly and so soon after their father had been a blow, but John was immortal. He was young and joyous. Elizabeth had been heavily pregnant and had bemoaned how utterly useless Ann was with the whole situation. They’d opted for a military funeral. Ann had been certain Elizabeth would die giving birth, and she’d be left alone for good.

A short series of other unfortunate, odd and unnerving, but much more minor incidents crossed her mind, but she blinked them away calmly. She could tell the sheets had been changed, but the cleaning had also roused the dust the house had gathered over the two uninhabited years, and so she could detect tiny, darker specks of dust that had landed on the crisp white pillow case. Listlessly, she started removing them one by one, until she was thoroughly bored, and she pulled the pillow to her and lay her head on it. The heavy, royal blue curtains that framed the three large windows in her bedroom, drawn to the side now let in an achingly bright early afternoon light, and she just wished the sky outside would already match the colour of the curtains, and the day would be over. 

She’d apparently dozed off, as she was awakened by her phone ringing. Drowsy, she sought for her phone in her pocket and swiped to answer before she realised it was a video call. 

“Hello…”

“Ann! God, are you alright?” her sister sounded concerned.

“Elizabeth. Yes, I just… I was just napping” Ann cleared her throat and sat up languidly.

“You look terrible!”

“Thank you.”

“No, Ann… Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Is it your head, does it hurt?”

“No, not particularly.”

“Particularly?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Are you alone? Is there someone with you?”

“Of course I’m alone, what do you mean?”

“You shouldn’t be. You’ve had a concussion!”

“That was 2 days ago, Elizabeth. And I’ve had visitors, trust me. I’m alright. It’s just the jet lag. How are you?” 

“Worried about you. Listen, I called-- honey, darling, can you keep it down for a moment, mummy’s on the phone-- sorry, I called to tell you I can’t come visit until next Tuesday, is that alright? George’s got some-- darling, please!” Ann winced at a sharp shriek at the other end of the line.

“That’s alright” she spoke, keeping the phone a bit further back now, “I won’t be going anywhere, anyway. Come when you’ve got the time. Just let me know a day in advance, so that I can make an attempt at cleaning the house.” Elizabeth chuckled briefly at her words.

“Don’t you have the housekeeping?”

“Auntie’s been taking care of that. I haven’t had the time to… well, anything.”

“That’s alright. You’ll figure it out. Listen, I have to run, I love you, take care, I’ll call again tomorrow, love you, bye bye--”

“Love you, bye---” Ann managed to sputter, before Elizabeth was gone. 

***

The rest of the day Ann spent in the sunroom, vaguely interested in the play of shadow and light the setting afternoon sun cast over her divan. When the twilight crept in, she got up and made another bag of popcorn, before bundling up in the living room and letting the television be her partner in lonely dialogue. Eventually she started to doze off around nine o’clock, and she shambled upstairs and collapsed on her bed. 

But, like the two nights before, she awoke at exactly 3 am, her heart beating a million miles per minute, a hard, gnarly fist squeezing and pounding her chest. She sat up, turned on the bedside lamp and gathered her duvet around her, trying to focus to breathe and not to sob. 

The room closed in on and wrapped around her; every single thing she looked at, thought of, touched or heard sent a word in flashing capital letters to her cortex, exuding a gushing burning hot wave across her whole body, causing her to gasp and gag at the crushing sensation. In the silence of the night, the horrible emptiness of the vast house, her internal accusations of her own incapability and worthlessness screamed in her ears louder than her raspy, sharp breaths, and she sprung up, dashing downstairs to the living room, hurrying to turn on the television. 

A meerkat popped on the screen, and Ann blinked at the harsh bluish light, warm tears falling on her pale cheeks. She turned on the volume and the soft murmur of the presenter told her of the meerkats’ hard life on some faraway salt pans. She collapsed on the sofa, bundling herself in the duvet, trying to mimic comfort, when her heart still raced and every word that crossed her mind was a source of stress and reason to panic. The meerkat documentary ended and she turned on teleshopping and had to channel hop for a moment to find one that was not about food (she was suddenly extremely nauseous again). She became acutely thirsty, and downed two tumblers of ice cold water, enjoying the feeling of the cool liquid travelling down her throat and swirling down to settle at the pit of her stomach. That then resulted in her having to pop to the loo every 15 minutes for the next two hours, before she finally fell asleep on the sofa and dreamt hazily of selling vacuum cleaners on ITV. 

She woke up to the credits of Heartbeat at almost half past nine in the morning. She did not want to leave the cocoon of her duvet, especially as the moment she shifted even minutely, her heartbeat was soaring again. Gently, she rubbed her chest and tried to steady her breathing. The day was bright and airy, she deduced from the clear light it cast on the high living room walls, and somehow the fact that morning had come was enough to soothe her, and eventually she sat up. 

She was just tired. It was just the jet lag. That is what she said to her cousin and his wife, and her aunt, who arrived luckily only after she’d taken a long shower and forced herself to attempt at breakfast (half a banana and some muesli). Apparently her aunt had dragged William and Eliza with her for her morning check up on Ann.

_Perhaps she thinks she can’t manage me alone any longer._

“It’s just going to take me a few days to get used to it,” she explained and watched Eliza cross her hands and lift her eyes to pierce Ann, her gaze heavy with worry and doubt.

“I wonder if you shouldn’t have someone stay here with you, until you properly settle in” she suggested, “when’s Elizabeth coming to see you?”

“Uh-- she called yesterday, she’s got a hold up, some thing of George’s, she didn’t say--” Ann frowned and shook her head.

“Perhaps Catherine?” William suggested, “I’m sure she’d love to catch up with you, dear.”

“No, no--” Ann hurried, “no, I’d rather be on my own for now. It’s a lot to take in, returning so suddenly.” 

_I can’t possibly drag anyone into the mess I am right now._

“Well, you know you are always welcomed to come stay with us. If you feel like it” Eliza smiled encouragingly and took Ann’s hand.

“Yes, thank you. I might, if I get terribly lonely” Ann hoped her brief smile was enough to reassure them all. 

“Have you unpacked everything already?” her aunt inquired. 

“Yes. Yes, I’m almost done” Ann nodded. 

_I think I’ll just burn it all once you’ve gone._

“Good. I often feel like unpacking is the first step of really returning home from a trip” William nodded and smiled with reassurance, a hint at experience and advice in his tone. Ann tried to look like she appreciated them all, but frankly she begged with every fibre of her being to be sedated on the spot and allowed to lull until her life had taken some other turn or ran its course. 

“Aunt, could you see if there’s some ibuprofen in the top drawer, please?” Ann sighed and tried to deal with the dull, rising ache on her temples. 

Her request resulted in the three of them ushering her to rest and nap, and reluctant as she was, she withdrew back to the living room, assisted by Eliza. Ann slumped back on the sofa and wrapped the duvet around her. 

“Have you… slept here?” Eliza tried to sound calm and nonjudgemental, but Ann could detect both disappointment and disapproval in her tone. 

“Yes. It’s been hard to fall asleep these past few nights.” It was true, but Ann couldn’t help thinking that it had the ring of an excuse. 

“Mhh” was all Eliza had to say. 

_Yes, it’s all gone down the drain. I’m irredeemable._

“So, I’ve come down here to watch some telly, and then fallen asleep on the sofa” Ann continued, annoyance bringing the colour back to her cheeks. 

“Yes, yes. Of course. Will sometimes dozes off on the sofa after a late night game. Makes his back ache.” 

“Hmm.”

“Get some sleep. We’ll get some lunch going, alright?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Any time, darling.” 

***

She was given some two hours of sleep, before her aunt came to wake her up.

“You had nothing here, Ann” she was sour, “absolutely nothing! Orange juice and popcorn and half a banana! I had to send Eliza and William to town to get something for lunch. You know you can ask for my driver to come take you to town any time, dear?”

“Hmm? Yes” Ann smiled absent-mindedly and combed through her hair with her fingers. 

“You’ll want to change, before we go” her aunt gave her an evaluating look. 

“Go where?” Ann frowned and got up, gathering the duvet to her arms, ready to return it to her bed upstairs. Her aunt sighed and tried not to take her frustration out on her niece, who had been the main cause of it these past few days.

“The Listers. Remember? That is why Eliza and William are here, Ann. I told you yesterday.”

“Oh” Ann blinked, and it came back to her, their conversation yesterday. It could just as well have been a year ago; sleeplessness twisted her sense of time, “yes. Of course.” 

_Wonderful. First I was there half-witted because I’d bashed my head, and now I’ll go there hungover with sleep deprivation._

“Go on, then, dear. Eliza’s nearly done with the pasta.” Ann moved swiftly to avoid any physical consolation her aunt may attempt to offer.

Ready to leave, Ann found herself thinking of all other options of how to spend your day than visiting people you barely knew, but she figured also that she was in no position to appeal to her relatives now. It was as if she was a child again, and everything just happened, whether she liked it or not. Getting in the car after forcing herself to eat (out of courtesy) too much of the bland pesto pasta made Ann slightly nauseous the moment they started the drive. 

“Did you get the flowers?” Eliza asked, as they drove out the gates.

“What flowers?”

“No?”

“No.”

William reversed and apparently Ann was deemed the most able-bodied of them to go and fetch the bouquet her cousins had bought for the Listers. As she stepped back in the house, she in all seriousness considered dashing, jumping and crash landing face first on the stone tiles in the hallway to wriggle out of the whole affair. When she returned with the flowers, and the car was still waiting for her, she concluded there was no way out of it, and decided to turn herself off for the next hour or so. Her polite enough auto-pilot would have to navigate this one for her. 


	4. Are you a doctor?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne Lister and Ann Walker meet.

At Shibden Hall, in her study, Anne Lister was not in a good mood. Yesterday, due to a sloppy attempt at a topout on a fairly easy boulder, her right foot had slipped and she’d tumbled down, falling quite painfully and embarrassingly on her left hand, namely on her middle finger. She had had to return earlier, more physically damaged and in a much more sour mood than she had anticipated. Instead of fresh air, physical strain and homey, gorgeous landscapes she’d been dealt an evening with fussing family members, an attention seeking puppy and Giant Lobster Hunters as quality entertainment on the television. Said finger was now taped and kept aching, giving her a constant, and quite literally, painful reminder of her sloppiness and lack of skill. 

She had woken up to the dull aching around 5 am and had not been able to fall back to sleep. As the morning was clear and cool, she’d been out and about since the early hours, and had already taken an 8 mile walk to Northowram and Priestley Green to ease the simmering feeling under her skin urging her to do something with the day while simultaneously only allowing her to think clearly when she was moving. She had been out nearly two and a half hours and had been frustrated to find her family barely awake - nothing in the house seemed properly alive to her, least of all her slow-paced, dull as dishwater, ordinary, predictable family and their routines. 

After her sister had finished her breakfast at 11 (which was lunch hour to Anne; not that she ate lunch, but nevertheless), she’d coaxed Anne to come grocery shopping with her. Anne had agreed only because she saw a chance to walk home from town, and she’d put her plan in action on the Sainsbury’s parking lot, leaving Marian to drive home alone, huffing and puffing after her, as she walked off. It was barely afternoon, and Anne had started to feel fatigue in her legs, but nothing seemed to quench her need for a changing scenery. 

She had passed the concrete plant, and her mood had been slightly brought down by the contrast of the view of the old town and the tower of the Halifax minster over the stone wall and the degraded industrial mess that was the concrete plant yard. She had taken the footpath up the hill and headed towards Lister’s Road and continued uphill, before the road had taken a low descent and changed to Shibden Hall Road. 

The day was remarkably beautiful, but that she had already known; the walk had only been for the purpose of letting her think. She had racked her brain trying to come up with something to write about, to go through and fully grasp the events of the past few days. It was astonishing that her entire life had gone upside down, and yet here she was, still alive, and perhaps that was why she was walking again; to feel alive at least physically, even if her mind was still in dead calm, not moving forwards or backwards. The storm between her ears was raging, yes, but it wasn’t taking her anywhere. She could always trust her legs to provide sanctuary outdoors where she was free to let herself wander, physically and mentally. Now, however, it was taking so long for her mental engine to start running that she felt she had almost overheated her physical one. When she had reached home, her feet had ached, and she had ignored both her nagging sister and the barking puppy, and vanished upstairs to her room. 

“You could at least help with lunch!” she heard Marian bleating downstairs, as she closed the door after herself.

“Why? I don’t plan on eating any!” Anne yelled back. 

“Well, clean up after yourself! Your climbing gear is still all over the place!”

“Whatever for? I’m busy!”

“We have guests coming!”

"What? Who?"

"The Priestleys!" 

“Well, they’re not here for me!”

So, yes, the air in her study was thick with annoyance, frustration and agitation, as she sat down at her desk and opened her laptop. When she’d for an hour successfully blocked out Marian’s pleas for help, she found, to her astonishment and disappointment, the cursor still blinking at the top corner of an empty page. Nothing, absolutely nothing came to mind, and the distance between her head and her fingers seemed to stretch across the universe, and anything even remotely resembling a thought that appeared in her head had immense difficulties actually landing on the screen before her. 

Just as she was about to start typing down a list of all the places she’d physically been to during the past few days (it had previously proved to be a good starting point) she heard a sharp bark from behind her door. She closed her eyes, inhaled deep and slammed her laptop screen down before getting up and opening the door. 

“You’ve learned to climb the stairs” she spoke dryly to the puppy who dashed to her feet and whimpered happily at the sight of her, “good for you. Less so for me.” She plucked up the puppy and scratched its neck gingerly. 

“I wasn’t getting anywhere, anyway. What would you say if I were to let you lose in the garden to wreak havoc? I think you’d like that” she kept speaking to the puppy as she descended downstairs.

“ANNE!” her sister came bellowing to the living room, “oh, there you are.”

“Marian.”

“Can you please take care of your climbing things? Crash pads in the kitchen is not--”

“They’re not in the kitchen--”

“Yes, they are, and they are muddy--”

“They are by the kitchen door--”

“That’s as good as in the kitchen--”

“It is not, and you know that just as much as I do, but--”

“No need to get smart with me--”

“I don’t need to get smart, I am--”

“Oh, very funny, hilarious, Anne--”

“But I’ll move them” Anne concluded and turned back to talk to the puppy in her arms, “Jack needs to pop outside anyway.” 

Marian softened at the mention of the puppy.

“You’ve taken a liking to him” she smiled and cocked her head minutely.

“Too early to say” Anne replied brusquely and made her way to the kitchen, leaving Marian behind with a sly, knowing smirk on her lips. 

Anne let the puppy out to the back garden and picked up the crash pads, dragging them back to the stall that acted as their garage and shed these days. After the pads had found their place not too far back in the piles of miscellaneous tools and things, bits and bobs, she took off and dusted her loose grey knit, and wiped her old jeans of the mud and moss that had stuck to her from the crash pads. She tossed the knit on her shoulder and decided that she was certainly presentable enough for Eliza and William in jeans and a plain black, almost spotless t-shirt. Any luck, and her sister, aunt and father would keep them busy, and she could excuse herself almost as soon as they’d stepped in.

***

If Ann Walker could in her situation be grateful about anything, she was grateful that they’d dropped her aunt off at home before driving to Shibden Hall. Somehow she felt that overbearing as they were, Eliza and William would be much less custodial than her aunt, and would possibly even let Ann speak for herself (not that she especially wanted to). 

The car turned from the main road, and Ann tried to focus on holding the bouquet to avoid feeling any more nauseous than she already did. They drove downhill and Ann could see the building further down, surrounded by a well-kept greenspace and a tidy wood. She tossed her head back languidly. At least the place was aesthetically pleasing. Perhaps she could sneak out and take a walk in the garden to both seem interested in the place and avoid socializing. She knew she couldn’t, but she could at least dream about it.

Eliza gasped minutely as they drove in the gate and came to halt in front of the main entrance to the house.

“She’s home!” she exclaimed, as a woman in a black t-shirt and worn jeans walked across the yard, and stopped as she saw the car approach, “I didn’t know she was back, Marian didn’t say anything!” Ann jolted and peeked out the window. She inhaled sharp, as her eyes landed on the figure. 

It was her, certainly; she’d changed, yes, but she was definitely there, and Ann felt a warm wave wash over her. She felt a bit silly noticing how she’d imagined Anne Lister would be wearing the same oversized suit she had all those years ago when she’d marched to Crow Nest. She looked endearingly humdrum in just jeans and a t-shirt, Ann thought, and she wasn’t the ball of light she’d been in their living room years back. Still, Ann felt floating just looking at her. She was stern and grumpy, she had longer hair and--

“A puppy” Ann whispered, spotting the sloppy walking reddish brown pup trailing the woman, who now crossed her arms and gave the car an evaluating look. Eliza practically leapt out of the car to greet her old acquaintance. 

“Anne! How long it’s been!” 

“Eliza! Too long, I’d say. How are you?” 

Hearing Anne Lister’s voice gave Ann a shiver, and she stayed in the car, combing through her hair, trying to gather courage and reassurance that she looked presentable. She plucked up the bouquet and decided to use it as a shield to hide her nervousness.

“Anne, how are you?” William was out of the car by now as well.

“Very well, thank you, Will. Good to see you” Ann saw them hug and greet warmly. She drew a shaky breath and stepped out of the vehicle. It was hard to bear the weight of all eyes suddenly turning to her, as she emerged from the warmth and comfort of the car. The puppy was busy greeting Eliza, and Ann hoped it’d dash to her next to allow her a socially acceptable distraction.

“Oh, we took Miss Walker with us. You remember Ann, don’t you?”

“Yes” Ann and Anne both replied. Ann blinked in awe, but Anne Lister recovered quicker and chuckled softly. 

“Miss Walker” she nodded and took a few steps towards Ann, her hand extended ready to greet her, “how are you?” Ann tried to smile neutrally, and extended her hand in return, but couldn’t help a slight flinch, when Anne Lister took her hand and gave her a crushing handshake.

“Very well, thank you. Sorry to pop in so unannounced--”

“What’s that?” Anne Lister cocked her head and her eyes moved from Ann’s eyes to her forehead, her smile fading, “may I?” 

“Uh--” Ann only had the time to attempt at a reply, before Anne Lister’s index finger was on her temple and gingerly brushed away the few strands of hair that covered the bruise on Ann’s forehead. Ann felt a sizzling electric current ran through her body at the touch. She reckoned she was now squeezing the bouquet a tad too hard for the flowers to live.

“Oh, just the accident… a few days ago, the--” Ann looked down and sought to take a step back to escape the sudden physical contact with a stranger.

“Car crash. Yes, I heard about it. I’m sorry to see you’ve been hurt” Anne Lister spoke, her voice was deep and her tone clear and focused, and her eyes scanning, analysing. Suddenly, she put her hands on Ann’s cheeks.

“Look at me” she commanded more than asked, and as Ann’s eyes met hers, her gaze was intense, her brow furrowed. 

Ann tried to look at anything but her, but her field of vision was completely occupied by Anne Lister. Her hands were warm and dry, her long fingers gingerly touched Ann’s ears and her thumbs were a soft pressure against Ann’s cheekbones. Anne Lister’s stance was wide, and her leg brushed against the flowers Ann was holding. 

Ann could hear her steady breathing, catch the scent of menthol, fresh air and dry, soft dirt emanating from her. She looked the same, but different. Her chin was more pointy, her cheeks less round than Ann remembered, her features more angular, and a tad weary. 

Ann had not only heard of her blog. She had read her blog; of course she had. Anne Lister was busy, interesting, captivating and daring. 

_ Some people left Halifax and did something with themselves. _

Ann had ran up to her in the supermarket here in Halifax once, years ago, to invite her to tea. 

_ How horrible _ . 

Ann had doubled down in giggles at her stupid pun about 10 years ago. 

_ How embarrassing. _

Ann had told herself down for enjoying an estranged neighbour's company so much so soon after her mother’s death, but Anne Lister had just been so luminous. 

_ She was kind to me. To us. _

For weeks, she’d not been able to forget about Anne Lister and her brief visit. 

_ I went walking in Shibden Park to see her. How pitiful. _

Having Anne Lister so close, so suddenly, her anxious heart beat came running back, Ann was certain she’d go into a sensory overload soon, and just drop limp on the ground. 

_ I can’t breath. Please leave me be. Also, don’t. _

Ann blinked and trembled, when she felt Anne Lister’s hands run up the back of her neck to press softly at the base of her skull.

“Tender?” she asked, their eyes locked.

“Mhhmm” Ann replied, fighting the urge to nod. Then, Anne Lister’s grip was a tad firmer and she tilted Ann’s head to the right.

“Tender?”

“No.” And to the left.

“Tender?”

“A little.” 

Ann had no idea what Anne Lister was doing, or if it was in any way legitimate at all, but she found herself surprisingly not opposed to it. Anne Lister’s hands pulled back, and suddenly Ann saw her lean index finger in front of her face. 

“Follow my finger with your eyes, please” Anne Lister told her, and Ann found it hard to look at the moving finger and not at Anne Lister’s concentrated face. She kept her eyes on the finger moving from side to side, until a sharp, dizzying wave sent a pressing, squeezing feeling to her head and she frowned, gasping just slightly.

“Dizzy?” Anne Lister asked and the finger stopped moving. 

“I guess… It’s hard to say…” Ann muttered, closed her eyes and shook her head a tad. 

“Don’t shake your head.” Ann opened her eyes and found Anne Lister trying to lock eyes with her. Then, Ann saw her raise her right hand to the level of her forehead and her left just below her chin, and point her index fingers sideways.

“Now, look at my fingers, up and down, just with your eyes, don’t move your head.” 

Ann hesitated for a second, but then started moving her eyes from the higher finger to the lower and back. Soon, she started to feel dizzy and her vision blurred somewhat, but she kept going to not seem lazy and feeble, until she lost her balance and stumbled slightly. Anne Lister caught her and steadied her with a firm grip on her arms. 

“Alright, good,” She held onto Ann until Ann looked back at her, “did you see a doctor? After the crash?”

“N--no. I didn’t think I’d need to.”

“Hmm. Is there anyone at home with you? A partner, flatmate, family?”

“No--” Ann hesitated, “but my aunt’s come to see me every day--” she tried to sound relaxed. 

Anne Lister glanced sideways at Eliza and William, and then took Ann’s hand quite nonchalantly and placed her fingers on the inside of Ann’s wrist, and flicked her left hand to look at her watch. 

“Shush. Please” Ann had opened her mouth to ask if there was reason to worry, but Anne Lister cut her off curtly. 

Ann inhaled shakily and blinked in a slight shock. Anne Lister’s fingers pressed firmly against her wrist, and she felt her heart beating frantically, slamming against her ribs, rising towards her collarbones and throat. Her mouth hung ajar and she stared at Anne Lister dumbfounded. Anne Lister was frowning minutely, looking at her watch as if down her nose, judging silently. 

The puppy had gotten bored of Eliza and William, and made its way to its master and the new acquaintance, and as if it wasn’t hard enough already for Ann to stay quiet and still, it tumbled next to her leg and barked. Ann fought the urge to flinch and pull away. After a pressing silence that seemed to stretch forever, Anne Lister dropped Ann’s hand and raised her brow conclusively.

“Your heart rate is elevated. Have you had sleep? Anxiety?”

“N--no. Yes.”

“Which is it?” Anne Lister looked at her like Ann was deliberately wasting her time.

“No to the first and yes to the second” Ann let her snappiness slip and take control. Anne Lister rewarded her with a sly smile.

“Very well. You should rest. No exercise until the dizziness and the tenderness is gone. And you’ll need someone to check on you, regularly. They’re not to mess with, concussions--”

“Are you a doctor?” Ann interrupted her, curious. 

She heard Eliza inhale sharply and William cough awkwardly, as Anne Lister cast her the most murderous glance. 

“No.” 

With that, she turned and walked off.

“Come on, then! My sister is expecting you!” they heard her call from the main door. 

Ann was left standing astonished. Eliza came to her looking both bothered and apologetic.

“Touchy subject, that one” she whispered to Ann, “let me take those for you, dear” she took the bouquet from Ann’s hands. 

_ Wonderful.  _

Ann crouched to finally pet the puppy that was going crazy in her feet, and watched William and Eliza walk to the door. 

“Hello” she spoke to the happy animal, “you’re not a doctor, either, are you? Didn’t think so.” 

She plucked it up and let it lick her cheeks. She kept it close to her chest as she walked to the door. She’d just have to trust no one could be angry at a puppy.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, no one can be very angry at Ann Walker for long, either.


	5. Absolutely nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann Walker is light-headed. Soft flirt and tea. 
> 
> TW: mild sexual harassment is mentioned.

Perhaps she’d been a bit brusque. The girl couldn’t have known, and it had been an honest question. And she had examined her quite just like that. Besides, the poor girl looked half-dead already; Anne certainly didn’t need to add to that. The thought of having to apologize for anything made her skin crawl: it meant she’d been faulty in her conduct in the first place and admitting to that was intolerably horrible and humiliating. Maybe she could work her way around it by being a fair and a kind enough host. 

Marian had come to the foyer and had a ridiculously warm and welcoming smile on her face that faded as soon as she saw it was just Anne alone.

“Where’d you leave them? I heard you talking.”

“I didn’t murder them” Anne retorted, “look, here they are” she turned and held her arms up to welcome their guests. 

“Marian! You didn’t say she’s home!” Eliza exclaimed and slapped Anne gently on the chest with the back of her hand as she passed her, and went for a hug with Marian.

“I didn’t know! She turned up on the doorstep yesterday--”

“Oh, please, this is my home too, I’m not a tramp” Anne protested chuckling.

“Judging by often you choose to drop by, you could be” her sister smiled through her snarky comment. 

Anne tried to keep the smile on, but had to purse her lips to avoid further bickering. She let Marian see Eliza and William in, and she listened with half an ear something about the flowers from the Walkers as a thank you, while she made her way back towards the front door; Miss Walker hadn’t followed the couple. As she turned to the corridor leading to the front door, she saw Miss Walker step in with Jack in her arms.

“Are you allowed indoors? I’m not sure. You’re too cute, I can’t leave you out all alone” she heard her blabber to the puppy, and it made her smile.

“He’s fine” she spoke and could see her jolt. God, she was timorous! Her aunt had been right; she did look like she’d seen a ghost. Pale, trembling, frail and absolutely sleep deprived. 

“He lives indoors. They both do. Argus, our Irish wolfhound, he likes to lie in front of the fireplace in the living room--” Anne continued.

“Yes, I met him the other day. Night.” Miss Walker put Jack down and he came to Anne happily.

“Good boy” Anne told him, but didn’t crouch to pet him, “this is Jack. They’ve had him for a week or so.”

“He’s wonderful. So, he isn’t yours?”

“My father got him, but he has no skill with dogs. I’ll bring him up.”

“Well, he seems to be very fond of you” Miss Walker smiled, still lingering by the door. 

“Fond enough to wee on my books” Anne replied dryly, and she was comforted by the little chuckle she heard from Miss Walker. Perhaps she could make up for her earlier curt behaviour.

“Come in, please” she spoke and gestured with her hand, “I know they’re not the most interesting company…”

“Oh, this is definitely the most thrill I’ve had for the past few days” Miss Walker spoke as she walked to Anne.

“Oh? Weren’t you in a car accident?” Anne smirked, and Miss Walker let out a repressed chortle.

***

Ann fought the urge to reach for Anne Lister’s hand, as Anne Lister walked in front of her, guiding her through the house. She hadn’t entirely forgotten what the downstairs layout was like, but given that she had been in shock, in pain and it had been in the middle of the night when she’d last been here, she was grateful for the guidance. She could hear Eliza and William greeting people, presumably Aunt and old Mr Lister in the living room. Jack, the adorable puppy, dashed past them sloppily. 

“Sorry I wasn’t here to help you, in your moment of need” Anne Lister spoke, walking slowly ahead of Ann. Ann noticed only now, that Anne Lister was hurt, too; two fingers on her left hand had been taped together. 

“What happened to your hand?” Ann didn’t really know how to respond, so she changed the topic, trying to not seem as stunned and nervous as she felt.

“Ahh---” Anne Lister breathed and chuckled dismissively, “I stumbled a tad while I was climbing. No matter. Nothing as serious as a concussion.” Ann smiled tight lipped.

_I wasn’t trying to out-injure you. I just asked to say something._

“Oh, you climb?” Ann tried to keep the conversation going, as they arrived in the living room, and Anne Lister signalled her to take a seat on the sofa. 

“Mhh? Yes, when I can. It’s the next best thing, when there are no mountains in sight” Anne Lister smiled and held out her hand. Ann looked at the hand for just long enough to apparently make Anne Lister think she didn’t need help sitting down, and so just as Ann had mustered the courage to raise her hand to take Anne Lister’s, Anne Lister pulled hers away. Ann tried to mask the sudden rush of disappointment and embarrassment behind an awkward chuckle, while Anne Lister’s hand presumably couldn’t decide what to do and kept rising and lowering, until it rather cumbersomely collided with Ann’s hand that was just hanging there looking for some purpose. 

Ann had no idea what had just happened there (except a terrible misreading of the other person by both parties), but Anne Lister recovered quickly, and with a twirl Ann’s hand was in hers. With a soft yank she pulled Ann forward, away from the fog of her puzzled thoughts, and guided her to sit on the sofa. Their shilly-shallying did not go unseen by the rest of the party; while Eliza chuckled comfortingly, Marian glanced reservedly at her sister. Ann thanked her social autopilot for keeping her kind, but vague enough smile on, while she herself was utterly perplexed. 

Anne Lister took a seat on the arm rest next to Ann, and Ann stiffened, as Anne Lister’s leg brushed against her arm gingerly. 

“I’d rather you kept mountains out of your sight permanently” Anne Lister’s aunt spoke quite sternly. Anne Lister waved her hand nonchalantly. 

“Mountaineering is a perfectly safe hobby--”

“You nearly died once!”

“She nearly died once!” 

Aunt Lister and Marian Lister yelped together. Ann looked up at Anne Lister, who just cast them a sly smile. 

“Hardly. We were just waiting for the storm to pass--”

“Was that the expedition in the Himalayas?” Eliza popped in.

“Yes, exactly, Manaslu--”

“Which they call ‘The Killer Mountain’ apparently” Marian butted in dryly. 

“Didn’t even lose a toe to frostbite” Anne Lister turned to smirk at Ann, whose autopilot flashed a shy smile in response, before turning away, trying not to blush. Anne Lister’s smile was still as radiant as it had been more than 10 years ago.

“You just keep closer to sea level, while I still live!” her aunt seemed to wish to put an end to the topic that had brought a gleam of interest to Anne Lister’s eyes, “there’s enough action to these parts of the world, too. How are you, Miss Walker?”

Ann jolted at the sudden mention of her name. 

“Uh, very well, thank you.” She probably wasn’t overly convincing, as everyone’s eyes seemed to linger on her pale, fatigued figure for much longer than she could comfortably bear. 

“I just wanted to thank you, again, for helping me and my aunt the other day-- night” she continued, “we were-- well, she was scared, and I was disoriented, and-- You were very good to call an ambulance--” she smiled timidly at Marian Lister. 

“Of course” Marian Lister nodded and smiled warmly, “how’s your--” she motioned at Ann’s bruise. 

“Good, good” Ann hurried, “nothing serious.” She could feel Anne Lister shift slightly by her side. 

“Did you see a doctor?” Marian Lister continued, “I’ve heard Dr Kenny does house calls, and he’s seen Henry Hardcastle after the accident, too---”

“Tosser” Ann heard Anne Lister mutter under her breath.

“Sorry?” Marian Lister turned to look at her sister. Anne Lister shook her head.

“Topnotch” Anne Lister smiled warmly, “well done, Dr Kenny.” Marian Lister looked just a tad bit suspicious, but let it go. Ann bit her lip to stop a chortle, and darted at Anne Lister, who gave her a smug smile. 

“Do you plan to travel again soon, Anne?” William cleared his throat and changed the topic. 

“Oh, I--” Anne Lister started.

“She only just got here, William, don’t encourage her” her father spoke and gave him an acerbic smile. The party chuckled warmly.

“No, not at the moment” Anne Lister continued, patting her leg as she spoke, “I fancied a break at home.”

“From what? Avoiding us?” Marian commented snarkily. Anne Lister dismissed her sister’s attempt at being smart with one wave of her hand. 

“It’s been… rather hectic, for me, for a while. I just need to clear my head a bit, is all.”

“Oh, that’s good, getting your thoughts sorted out” Eliza chimed, “I’ve been following you, I have, reading your blog. Goodness, you don’t stay still, do you? Have you read it, Ann? It’s wonderful, so witty, so on point, so relatable--”

“Stay out of her hair, Ann. You’ll end up in the blog, if you don’t” William pointed at Ann and made everyone chuckle again.

_How? I’ve already crashed my car on her land. I think I’m very much in her hair already._

Ann smiled, sighed and nodded shyly. 

“Doesn’t guarantee you a spot in my blog, if you anger me, Will” Anne Lister smiled slyly, and Ann could sense she turned to look at her. She turned her head and they locked eyes and Ann felt like the air from her lungs was sucked out, while she gently started to float up towards the ceiling, “I’ll write about people I really like, too.”

A soft popping sound sent Ann back on the living room sofa.

“That’ll be the kettle” Marian got up and left the room, “I’d appreciate some help!” she called from the hallway. Anne Lister sighed and got up, ushering her aunt, who was also getting up, to sit back down.

“I’ll give you a hand” Ann heard herself say, and she pushed up from the sofa.

“Oh, no need, you just enjoy--” Anne Lister turned to her, and Ann could see her friendly frown turn into astonishment, before her ears rang with an intensifying beep and her vision blurred. When she blinked, she felt Anne Lister’s grip on her arms, guiding her to sit back down. 

“Careful” Anne Lister let go of her arms and cupped her face, lowering her head to rest back, “look at me. Ann? Look at me.” Ann frowned.

“Yes. I just… got up too quickly…” she muttered, biting her lip, fighting the embarrassment that was starting to gush in. Anne Lister smiled briefly, her eyes still keen on Ann.

“That you did. You do look a bit peaky. Perhaps some fresh air?”

Ann nodded, thankful for the remark. Maybe they could leave early, and Eliza and William would just drop her home and she could just forget about the whole thing.

“Come, I’ll help you. We’ll take tea in the garden” Anne Lister crouched and slid her arm behind Ann’s back. Ann jolted and nearly gasped at the sudden contact, “there, put your arm around my neck. Ready? I’ve got you.”

“Oh, darling. Maybe we should ask Dr Kenny come see you tomorrow” Ann heard Eliza from somewhere miles away. Hurriedly, she slipped her arm around Anne Lister’s neck, while Anne Lister was already pulling her to her feet. Ann felt woozy and had to lean on Anne Lister more than she would’ve wanted to, but her vision was clear and her ears weren’t ringing any longer. Her heart had jumped to her throat and was beating at a million miles. 

“Lightheaded?” Anne Lister’s voice asked close to her ear. 

“No, I’m fine” Ann replied, trying to sound stern. 

“Mhh” she could hear Anne Lister’s smile, “good. We’ll go outside for a bit. Jack needs to go anyway.” Ann didn’t know if she was speaking more to her or the others in the party, but she hummed at the mention of the puppy. 

Anne Lister’s pace was steady, but slow enough to accommodate Ann's weak state. Ann tried to not lean on her too much, but despite her attempt to walk upright unsupported, judging by Marian Lister’s expression as they came across her in the hallway, she must’ve looked quite poorly. 

“Miss Walker needs a bit of fresh air” Ann shunned her eyes as Anne Lister spoke to her sister, “I’ll take her outside and we’ll have tea there.” 

“Oh, dear. Yes, of course. Do you need a hand--?”

“No, no. You go, I’ll take care of it. Thank you, Marian.”

Anne Lister’s hand moved to take Ann by the shoulder, as they turned a corner, walked across the kitchen and came to a door that opened to a back garden. Anne Lister made sure to warn Ann about the steep step, and Ann would’ve missed it had she not; the first breeze of fresh air was so relieving that she just gasped at it and forgot about everything else. 

Anne Lister sat her down on a worn wooden bench by the wall. 

“Alright?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“I’ll get some tea. How do you take it?” 

“Milk… No sugar. Thank you.” Ann blinked languidly. Anne Lister crouched down to catch her eyes. When she did, she cast Ann a gentle smile.

“Very well. Jack, keep an eye on Miss Walker for me, will you?” she spoke but did not look at the puppy, who Ann felt slump down against her leg. Ann chuckled and nodded slightly.

“Please. Just Ann.” 

“Alright, Just Ann” Anne Lister spoke and Ann fought the urge to roll her eyes at the age old pun, “I’ll only be a minute.” 

***

Anne Lister strode to the kitchen with a curious, hopeful grin on her face. She knew of course Miss Walker was woozy, but she also could tell when a woman had a serious crush on her. And it wasn’t like her to not seize the chance for a bit of harmless flirt. She bit her lower lip, trying to hold the grin at bay, as she prepared the tea. She didn’t bother with a tray, but just took the two mugs and headed back outside. She pushed the door handle down with her elbow and stepped out. Jack barked to greet her, and she had to watch her step as he paraded around her feet. 

“Ah-- here you are--” she came to Miss Walker, who looked up at her and smiled a tad tiredly.

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you” Miss Walker took the mug Anne offered. Anne sat down on the bench next to her and shrugged, smiling.

“It’s only tea. That makes me an average host, at best.” Miss Walker chuckled softly at her remark. Good. Should be easy enough to warm her up. Anne watched as Miss Walker sat back and sipped her tea timidly. 

“So” Anne continued, placing her arm on the back of the bench, her palm just an inch away from the back of Miss Walker’s neck, “I hear you just got back from India.”

“Uh, yes. Yes I did.”

“I hope you had a good trip. Was it long?” Anne had hoped the conversation would flow outdoors with fewer eyes on Miss Walker, but apparently she was both poorly and terribly shy.

“Uh. Two years.” Anne’s cup came to a halt on her lips. 

“Two… two years?” she hid her surprise poorly, and regretted that it did not go unnoticed by Miss Walker, “where, if I may ask?”

“Uh, Himachal Pradesh, up--”

“North, yes. Must be lovely.”

“It is. Was. Have you been?”

“No, not there. I’ve only been to India once, to Delhi and Varanasi. But I’ve been to Nepal, as you heard, and I adore the Himalayas.”

“Mhh. I’m not a mountaineer, but we did trek a few times. I loved it, seeing the mountains. The sky looks brighter and the air feels different higher up, doesn’t it?”

“It does indeed. What on earth were you doing there for two whole years?” Anne chuckled somewhat stunned still. Miss Walker turned her head and took a moment to reply. 

“First, we volunteered at a farm. Then I taught English and yoga, too. Not a very respectable living, I know, but it was a simple life.” 

Anne couldn’t help raising her brows at this information. Miss Walker smirked, pursing her lips.

“I don’t look the type, do I?” she asked and combed through her hair absent-mindedly. Anne shook her head, slightly more captivated than she would admit by a passing gesture like that, combing one’s hair. Miss Walker smiled and looked down. 

“We went the first time in uni, me and a few friends. It was just a short trip then, but I loved it, and then, some years later, me and Harriet, my friend, we just decided to… Go and stay for a while. She’s still there. I left a bit earlier than I had planned--” 

“What happened?” Anne asked, leaning forward, surprised to find herself listening to Miss Walker’s account. Miss Walker frowned and shook her head minutely.

“Don’t shake your head” Anne guided her friendly, lifting her hand behind Miss Walker’s back, just gingerly supporting her head. Miss Walker nodded and smiled, and didn’t flinch at the touch.

“Nothing. I just-- I just felt like I needed to get back. At least for a while.” 

“Mhh. I know what you mean.” Anne pulled her hand back just a notch.

“Are you really not a doctor?” Miss Walker asked, catching Anne off guard. 

“Ah. Mhh. No, no I’m not.” The thrill of the delicate flirt dropped and she pulled her arm away. 

“You should be.” 

“And why’s that?”

“You’ve been more attentive to me than any doctor I’ve ever been to” Miss Walker spoke and smiled. That smile was not shy. 

“Ah, well, if you’ve been to the likes of Dr Kenny---” Anne started, but was interrupted by a hearty chortle from Miss Walker. 

“You’re right. He’s a tosser, for sure” she giggled and brought her hand to cover her mouth for a second. 

“Yes, I’d rather you not see him” Anne smirked and repressed a chuckle, “gives me the creeps, that one.” 

“Oh, I know what you mean--”

“Do you? Has he done something to you?” Anne was sharp suddenly, her arm returning on the back of the bench. Miss Walker shook her head.

“Don’t shake your head” Anne advised her again.

“Sorry, it’s hard to remember” Miss Walker apologised, “no, not per se, he’s just… Well, he was my parents’ doctor, and then we just, you know, kept seeing him, the lot of us, and… Once, and this is the last I’ve seen him, two years ago, before I went to India. You mustn’t tell him, or anyone, but he… Well, I needed a checkup and some vaccines taken, too, and I went to see him. And-- I’m sure it’s just me, but he listened to my heart and… Well he asked me to take my shirt off, and then he had his hand on my thigh the whole time” Miss Walker smirked and rolled her eyes, “you know, as you might expect--”

“That certainly is not what you might expect from your doctor” Anne’s tone was icy. 

“No, I know, but from-- what I’ve had from some men, in general. And anyway, I just probably thought too much about it. Maybe that’s how you do it, I wouldn’t know. I’m sure he’s alright. It’s just-- I don’t like him close like that, breathing on me.”

“No, I’m sure you wouldn’t. Well, thank you for giving me one more reason to avoid him. I took my aunt to him a while back, she’d fallen and hurt her wrist, and as we entered the room I saw him close the Wikipedia page for bones” Anne huffed and rolled her eyes.

“No!” Miss Walker exclaimed, an astonished grin on her face. Anne smirked and nodded. 

“Maybe he was editing the page” Miss Walker mused and sipped her tea. 

“Oh?” Anne raised a brow and leaned closer, “and how likely do you think that is?”

“Not very” Miss Walker nearly whispered, before erupting into shy giggles, drawing a chuckle out of Anne as well. 

Anne was satisfied, watching colour return on Miss Walker’s cheeks, her expression clearing. She sat back and sipped her tea, lifting her right leg to rest on top of her left. 

“So. Two years away from home. Tell me. What’s new about Crow Nest, then?” Anne asked. Miss Walker let her head fall to the side a bit, smiling sadly. 

“Absolutely nothing. I think even the dust on the floor is the same.”

Anne smiled understanding. 

“Must be a bit still, Halifax. After India.” Miss Walker sipped her tea and was quiet for a good while.

“The village I lived in was smaller than Halifax. Yet I’ve never felt more alive, or surrounded by more life than there. It’s not Halifax or the size of it. It’s just…”

“It’s home. Personal history weighs down on you differently here” Anne finished her sentence. 

“Yes. It does.” Miss Walker seemed to welcome the silence, so Anne let her be for a moment, and they just watched as the wind rose from the forest behind the garden, blowing some dry leaves off the forest floor. 

“You were travelling too” Miss Walker then spoke, nearly making Anne jolt at her sudden words, “were you gone for long?”

“No. I didn’t travel, I stayed-- I lived, in Hastings, for nearly a year. So, not really gone, but--”

“Away, still.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry” Miss Walker then frowned and brought both her hands to hold her mug, “please don’t think badly of me, but I do read your blog, occasionally, and I just wondered… Where’s your… didn’t you have a… partner?” She dropped the question, glanced hurriedly at Anne, but then turned her eyes away again, staring at her hands. 

“Ah. Well--” Anne stammered a tad, “well, she’s still in Hastings.”

“Oh. When is she coming, then? When are you going back?”

“She’s not. And I’m not. She’s not--- my girlfriend anymore. We split up.” Anne rebuked herself for sharing this with Miss Walker. She’d always kept to the principle that private matters should be just that: private. Perhaps she had subconsciously categorised Miss Walker as both not a threat and as someone who didn’t blabber. And in any case, it was true. No use trying to hide it any longer. Anne looked down at her mug in her hand, when Miss Walker turned to look at her again.

“I’m sorry” she could hear Miss Walker say. 

“I--- Mhh, thank you. So am I.” 

“Is it nice? In Hastings. I’ve never been.” Anne looked up at Miss Walker and appreciated that she kept talking, even though she did not seem like a chatty person. 

“Well, I---” Anne’s words stuck to her throat, “No. It’s just a seaside town, really. Paris was nicer.”

“Paris? You’ve lived in Paris?”

“Yes, twice.” 

“Goodness. Whatever dragged you back to Halifax from Paris?” Miss Walker laughed softly, astonished. A handful of uncomfortable memories surfaced in Anne’s mind, and she bought herself time to recover with an awkward chuckle.

“Well. Shibden is my fort. I return regularly to see that it still stands.”

“It does look a bit like a fort,” Miss Walker admitted, looking around, biting her lower lip. She looked suddenly quite adorable to Anne, and Anne stood up.

“Fancy a tour around the grounds?” She held out her hand to Miss Walker, who took it timidly, her smile fading on and off, “if you’re feeling better, that is.” 

“Won’t they miss us?” she nudged her head towards the door. 

Anne crouched and took Miss Walker’s mug from her hands, placing it on the bench next to her, before taking Miss Walker’s hands into hers. 

“I don’t really care if they do,” she whispered, smirking, making Miss Walker titter, “unless of course, you wish to hear either my sister complain about me or more praise for Dr Kenny. Or both, in all likelihood.” 

“Oh, gosh, I’ll take the tour any day, even at the risk of being lightheaded again” Miss Walker took a firmer hold on Anne’s hands and allowed Anne to help her up. 

“No need to worry about that. I’ll catch you. Jack? Come on, boy!”

***

The sun had set hours ago, when Anne Lister finally closed her laptop and dug out her black notebook from the top drawer. Hastily, she leafed through it, musing a tad bitterly at her anguished, hectic tone of voice just a day or two earlier, before she set her pen on a blank page. 

_Bright, sunny day. Two good walks, one 8 miles, one home from town. The Priestleys and Miss Walker (Crow Nest) came for tea. Miss W-- poorly, hit her head in the accident a few days ago. Examined her, good practice and reminder for me. Took her out to the garden and walked around the grounds. A shy, timid girl in company, but when with me alone, very talkative. Observant even, and gigglish. Certainly had a good laugh over a thing or two with her. Last saw her years ago, and she surely was no longer a girl. Fair enough, and voluminous blonde hair. Made up to her subtly, and she seemed already thoroughly smitten with me. This morning I didn’t quite know what to do with myself here, but this is welcomed action and distraction. I shall go see her again first thing tomorrow morning._

  
  



	6. An attempt at understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann Walker receives a visitor. Anne Lister is a bit of a prick.

Ann Walker had not slept any better, but she somehow felt in charge of the day, still, as she descended from the sunroom to the small patio and spread out her yoga mat on the stone that had warmed a touch in the morning sun. She had dug out her favourite yoga pants from the still partially unpacked mess that was her life in India, and as it was warm in the sun, she’d decided on a t-shirt, a worn and oversized Red Hot Chilli Peppers shirt that had belonged to her brother. She got down on the mat and decided to follow Anne Lister’s advice; nothing heavy and challenging, just light stretching to feel a bit more alive. 

She reached for her toes and smiled at the memory of leaving Shibden Hall yesterday. Anne Lister had seen them to the car, helping Ann in, and then--

“Would you mind if I popped by at Crow Nest someday? It’s been a while” she had asked, letting go of Ann’s hand. Ann couldn’t recall what she’d said in reply, just that Anne Lister smiling at her had brought a bright smile on her face too. 

Eliza had possibly been a bit hurt that Ann had had Anne Lister all to herself for two whole hours, as they’d walked around the grounds. At least she had bombarded Ann with questions as soon as they’d driven out the Shibden gates, but Ann, lost in thought, had been, to Eliza’s disappointment, sententious, just a calm, dreamy smile on her lips. She had whole-heartedly welcomed the escape, and she’d learned more about concussions, puppies, Halifax history and forestry during their walk than she had during a lifetime in education. 

Ann bit her lip, when she remembered what Anne Lister had said to her, crouching down, just before she closed the car door.

“I can bring Jack, too, if you like. Seems he’s even more fond of you than he is of me.”

“I’d like that. He’s more than welcome. You both are” Ann had stuttered her reply. She took a deep breath to fight the rising, giggling embarrassment and excitement. She didn’t quite know which excited her more: the chance of Anne Lister visiting again after almost a decade, or the prospect of having a puppy in the house.

She’d gotten herself a hefty cup of tea, and she sipped it leisurely amidst her easy stretches. She arched her back and it cracked loudly and pleasingly. 

_ Gosh, I’ve really treated myself poorly.  _

She sat down in a side split and rested on her elbows, sipping her tea, enjoying the slight effort in her muscles. She was fatigued, but it didn’t feel similarly overpowering like the day before, and the breaths she took seemed to actually bring air to her lungs.

She’d woken up again at three in the morning and come downstairs, letting the telly lull her back to sleep. Tonight had been different, however. Her heart rate had soared, but she felt more energetic than anxious and desperate. It had been as if her brain just couldn’t calm down, but instead of images and thoughts of impending doom, it had combed through her day, going through every word of the conversation she’d had with Anne Lister. She’d chuckled sleepy remembering Anne Lister’s story about Dr Kenny, but then, she had not wanted to think too much about Dr Kenny in the middle of the night, so she’d focused to just keep Anne Lister’s face in her mind, until she’d dozed off. 

  
  


She got warm so she pulled her hair up to a messy bun and tied the hem of the t-shirt to a knot to allow some air on her body. She stretched for a few more minutes, until her head started to ache again and she became dizzy, and she heard Anne Lister in her head, telling her to not shake it. For a moment she lay down on her back, her eyes closed, her face turned towards the sun, the light of it filtering through her eyelids a burning handsome mix of red and orange. 

When the sudden shadow of a cloud darkened the colours, she rolled on her side and slowly got up, her step faltering a tad. Her ears rang again softly, and she could detect a tang of iron in her breath. She rolled her yoga mat and picked up her mug, but was reluctant to return inside. She’d felt soft and content and spirited outside, and she feared the house was waiting to gobble her up and enclose her into perpetual darkness and loneliness, if she stepped in again.

When she stepped into the sunroom and continued further inside to the living room, she decided to open all the curtains in all the rooms to let the building bask in light. She finished downstairs almost in a frenzied hurry, but when it was time to ascend upstairs, she felt out of breath and effort, and just slumped down on the first step of the flight of stairs, resting her head against the ornamental railing. She’d barely closed her eyes, when the doorbell rang, giving her a jump. She sighed, annoyed, but got up and made her way to the door. Her aunt was later than usual, and Ann had almost forgotten to even expect her. 

_ At least it will seem like I made an effort today. _

She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, pressed the handle down, turned the lock and opened the door. 

It took her a moment to gather that the hearty greeting did not come from the setter puppy that jumped at her and bumped against her calf. 

“Good morning!” Ann lifted her eyes to meet Anne Lister, who stood one step down from the door, positively beaming at her. Ann let out a gasp of disbelief at the sight of her. She had indeed said she’d drop by, yes. Ann had, however, not expected her the very next day before 11 in the morning, no. 

“I hope I’m not disturbing--” her excitement dropped somewhat at Ann’s obvious shock and stunned state. She raised her brow quizzically and combed through her hair. 

“N--No--” Ann stuttered, trying to gather her thoughts. Anne Lister peeked behind Ann’s back slightly worried.

“I shouldn’t have let him loose, is he alright---?”

“No, yes, no--!” Ann blurted, “no, he’s fine, please, please come in--” 

Ann was immediately certain she’d never regretted opening the front door more than she did now. She herself donned perhaps her fartiest look, while Anne Lister was impeccable. Anne Lister wore black trousers, neat black loafers, a black turtleneck and a blazer, and everything about her outfit screamingly highlighted Ann’s shabby state. Ann watched as Anne Lister stepped past her and plucked up the puppy, who’d gotten interested in Ann’s slippers. 

Anne Lister turned to face Ann, smiling still, but a slight frown of uncertainty building on her brow. Little Jack was not too happy to be held.

“I like your t-shirt” Anne Lister cocked her head, smiling encouragingly, pointing at Ann’s shirt, “were you doing yoga? I’m sorry, I’ve disturbed you.”

Ann found it hard to process everything Anne Lister said. 

“Oh, uhm--- Yes, no--- It’s my brother’s-- was, he’s dead-- I mean--- Yes, I was doing yoga. Not too hard, like you told me-- not to--- just stretching” she felt like she had just opened her mouth and the words were scrambling out in an order that made no sense to anybody, “But I just finished, really--- No. You’re not disturbing me at all.” 

Anne Lister nodded and smirked. 

“I can put him on a leash, if you like” she turned to the puppy in her arms, “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you before bringing him over--”

“No, no, don’t worry, he’s fine--” Ann hurried and stepped closer, “please, I’ll let you in the back garden, he can play there. Would you like some tea?” she blabbered and showed Anne Lister to the living room and through to the sunroom and patio. 

“Tea would be lovely” she heard Anne Lister and turned back to look at her, to see that her eyes were on the bundle that was Ann’s duvet and her pajamas crumpled on the sofa. Ann felt panic and embarrassment gut punch her.

“I-- I-- I-- sleep here--- some-- times, some nights. When I can’t sleep I come here to watch telly--”

“Jet lag?” Anne Lister turned to face her again, cocking her head evaluatingly. 

“Y-yes. It’s been bad these few nights.”

“Mhh. I’m sure. And you were gone for two years. Jet lag or no, it must be hard settling back in. How’s your head?” 

Ann chuckled and a sad, disbelieving smile crept on her face. She was suddenly angry at her family; the only words of even an attempt at understanding her situation came from her distant neighbour. 

“It’s--- It ached a bit, and I felt lightheaded when I finished stretching, but otherwise fine, really. Thank you.”

“Mhh. Through here?” Anne Lister signalled towards the sunroom double glass doors. 

“Uhm, yes! Yes, please. Sorry” Ann hurried past her and pushed the doors open. She opened the doors to the patio too, and Anne Lister let the puppy down. He took a slump at first, but managed the few steps of stairs down and made his way under the nearest rose bush. 

“I’d love to say he doesn’t mean trouble, but I think I’d be lying” Anne Lister smirked and stepped out, passing Ann who held the door open just to look like she was doing something. 

“No worries. I’ll just-- pop the kettle on and-- do you mind if I just took a brief shower?” Ann muttered. 

“Of course not. I’m the one bursting in uninvited--”

“No, no, not at all. Really, no trouble--”

“Please. Take your shower. I’ll be alright” Anne Lister mused, “oh, and if you would, a bowl of water for him. He’ll tire himself out in no time.”

***

Miss Walker was shilly-shallying by the sunroom door, biting her lip, smiling. Anne tossed her head back a bit and placed her hand on her hip. 

“I’m sure he will,” Miss Walker replied to Anne, “I’ll be a minute. Please, make yourself at home.”

“Mhh. I just might” Anne spoke and nodded. Miss Walker stood there, her eyes very clearly on Anne, before she shook her head minutely and turned back inside. Anne stayed still until she couldn’t hear her footsteps any longer, and then she chuckled and crouched, as Jack came to her.

“I figure she likes me” she muttered to the puppy, grinning, “what do you think?” Jack tossed on his back, barked protestingly and flailed his legs.

“Oh, yes. It’s clear she likes you more” Anne chuckled, “come on, then” she stood up, “let’s take a look around.” She strode back in, Jack following floppily after her. 

The humongous living room windows let the daylight reach the far end of the big room. Anne smirked, when she noticed that Miss Walker had gathered her duvet and pajamas from the sofa on her way in. The living room looked like it belonged to an old married couple who’d last paid interest to interior design in the early 00s. The walls were a heavy yellowish cream colour, and so were the two large sofas. The hardwood floor was dark, and a beautiful blue Persian rug covered it. The coffee table was an Asian style table; Anne remembered Mariana getting one for her London apartment, when they were all the rage. There were two large, classic, ornamental armchairs, one of which had a dip the size of a small, curled up person. Anne thought Miss Walker was certainly not short of spots to relax. The television was fairly new, but the stereo system was past its best days. There was a PlayStation controller on the coffee table next to an empty bag of popcorn. 

Anne walked around the room and came to a drawer by the door. It housed a dozen photographs, and Anne crouched down. Her eyes first caught a smiling young man in uniform. That must be Miss Walker’s brother. There was some resemblance, especially their eyes. Miss Walker had said he had died, but Anne didn’t know anything more about it; perhaps her aunt did, but she’d never heard it mentioned. Or at least couldn’t remember it. There was a dated wedding picture at the back; presumably Miss Walker’s parents. Anne leaned closed and, yes, she remembered the late Mrs Walker. 

Anne smirked, as her eyes landed on a serious looking teenage Miss Walker in a school photo. Next to it was a graduation picture, in which Miss Walker looked a tad more relaxed, but her smile was tight and her eyes tired. Anne could see a similar picture of another blonde girl; Miss Walker’s sister, she recalled. Her eyes moved from Miss Walker’s sister to Miss Walker to her brother and she tried to remember what they’d been like when she’d visited them here, but frankly she couldn’t really remember them at all. She’d only vaguely remembered Miss Walker, when they’d met yesterday. It felt weird to be in the house, suddenly, being left alone. These people had never been of any interest to Anne whatsoever. 

She was alerted by a soft thump and turned. Jack had tried to jump on the other sofa, and had caught one of the frilly pillows, pulling it down on the floor with him. 

“Come on, you” Anne went to him and gently took the pillow from him, “let’s not burn the place to the ground.” She picked him up and returned to the sunroom. She would’ve wanted to explore more, but she knew it was rude to go around uninvited, so she fought the rising curiosity, and slumped down on the divan instead. It was nearly hot already in the sunroom, so she removed her blazer and enjoyed the air on her bare arms; the turtle neck top was one of her favourite pieces. 

She smirked at the randomness of her situation. She had been in the house once, briefly, a decade ago, and before that, never. She hated their stupid golf courts. She didn’t especially like Miss Walker’s aunt, elderly Mrs Walker, who sometimes dropped by, babbling gossip as she came and went. The Walker children had been a pitiable bunch the last she’d seen them, and the house felt gloomy and lifeless. 

Still, yesterday afternoon had been interesting, fun even. It had made her smile and she’d had something else than her own irritation to think about. Afterwards, she’d squeezed out that blasted blog post. She’d finished her reviews. She’d made notes. She’d slept fairly well. 

Miss Walker certainly hadn’t caught Anne’s eye, but it was amusing how flummoxed she was around Anne, how easy it was to toy with her. And she was sufficiently cute to have a bit of fun with. Anne did feel sorry for Miss Walker, so perhaps her visit here was both an act of charity and entertainment for herself. She should’ve probably felt a slight bit of remorse about that, but her heart was light, and she didn’t. It was barely her fault if she made someone fluster.

***

Ann Walker very nearly slipped, as she hurriedly stepped out of the shower and reached for her towel. She cussed, sloppily dried herself and wrapped the towel around her body before exiting the bathroom, skipping across the hallway to her bedroom. She looked at the jumble around her in despair.

“What am I going to wear?” she mouthed and scanned the heaps of clothes and clutter, busted open suitcases and stacks of shoes scrambled around her bedroom. She wasn’t a messy person, so the havoc around her was all the more shocking and embarrassing each time she saw it. Only until now she hadn’t actually had to pay mind to how impractical it was; she had allowed herself to comfortably forget about it in her sleep deprived, anxious, lonely state. 

She tossed the towel on the bed and rummaged through the suitcase and backpack closest to her. She was beginning to despair, but at the bottom of the backpack she found her trusted floral-print jumpsuit. With a sigh of relief she tossed it on the bed too and sought through the remaining bags to find a pair of undies and a bra. Half dressed, she stood in front of her big mirror and redid her bun, making sure to pull all loose strands tightly in. She beat the jumpsuit a few times to get off at least some of the dust from the backpack, and she sniffed the fabric to make sure it didn’t smell absolutely ghastly. Stuffy, yes, but not too bad, and perhaps her perfume would cover it. 

She slipped on the jumpsuit and it fit her just as well as a few weeks back when she’d last worn it. It felt years back. She caressed the fabric softly, lost in her reflection. This piece had last existed in her shared room with Harriet, on her bed, next to the light linen jacket she always wore with it. She could almost smell the warm, cosy dustiness of the room, hear Harriet turn in her sleep, the river’s soft run outside. It was beyond absurd that such a piece of clothing could exist in Halifax, at Crow Nest, in her room, where nothing ever seemed to exist at all. 

A persistent strand of hair escaping from her bun brought her back, and she closed her eyes for a moment, inhaling deep, before she made her way out of the room and back to the still humid bathroom. She applied her perfume, and thought it best to use some mouthwash although tea would likely taste abysmal so soon afterwards. Gingerly, she made her way downstairs to hear if her guest was looking around, but she could not hear Anne Lister or Jack, and so, perhaps a bit disappointed, she made her way to the kitchen and popped the kettle on. 

“Do you need a hand?” Ann nearly dropped the two mugs she’d taken from the cupboard a second before. She turned and tried not to seem startled, smiling gently. Anne Lister was by the door. She had removed her blazer. Ann didn’t know why seeing her bear arms almost shocked her, but she found it hard to not openly stare, to keep her eyes to Anne Lister face. 

“Oh no, thank you. Let me just find that water bowl for Jack…” she shakily placed the mugs on the stone counter and crouched, opening the bottom drawer, and took out a small porcelain casserole, “I think this is the best I can manage. Is this alright?” She lifted it on the counter and got up, as Anne Lister came to her.

“Perfect” she smirked and took the casserole, “I’ll take it.” 

“Thank you. Uh-- how do you take your tea?” Ann asked. She realised that she should’ve paid attention to it yesterday, but there was no chance she could have noticed what Anne Lister had drunk. It could’ve just as well been tar, and she still would’ve only been able to pay attention to Anne Lister. 

“Black, one sugar” Anne Lister replied over the running water, as she was filling the bowl for Jack, “oh, would you mind if I moved the divan out on the patio? It’s a fine day and I thought we might just as well take tea outside.” Ann was still processing what Anne Lister had said, when Anne Lister stopped by the kitchen door and turned to her expectantly. 

“Oh-- yes, yes of course. If you like. D’you need a hand with that?” 

Anne Lister smirked reassuringly. 

“I’ll manage.”

Anne Lister walked out the kitchen and Ann inhaled deeply. Anne Lister made her terribly nervous.

***

Miss Walker only left the patio twice. Once to get them a second cup of tea and once to take a phone call. Anne heard her pick up the phone before Miss Walker was too far inside the house for her to hear anything more. She stood up from the rattan lounge chair she’d carried outside (she’d let Miss Walker take the divan) and stretched. She dug out her phone and noticed she’d been here almost four hours, and as much as she wanted to say she was entirely on top of the situation, the passage of time surprised her; even if she’d mostly talked about her travels to a keen audience, Miss Walker seemed to be a notch more captivating than Anne would’ve given her credit for. 

Jack woke up momentarily on the divan, stretching and yawning, before trying to find a more comfortable position to continue his nap. He had barely left Miss Walker’s side when she’d helped him up on the divan, and Miss Walker’s hands had barely left Jack, which obviously was much to the puppy’s liking. Anne had, amidst their conversations, mused at the thought of just leaving the puppy here with Miss Walker, but then again, he was a good reason to keep visiting. She could always say the puppy missed Miss Walker. 

Anne turned as she heard the door open. Miss Walker stepped out, smiling, putting on her shades as she returned to Anne. 

“Everything alright?” Anne asked, fighting the sudden, tempting urge to go and take Miss Walker’s hand and press a light kiss on the corner of her mouth. She doubted she’d be refused, but she decided against it. Too early for something so bold; she wanted to be careful.

“Yes, it was my solicitor. My aunt had called him about the car crash and now he called me” Ann sighed, “I agreed to meet him later today. I’m sorry. I’ve kept you here for hours and never once mentioned the whole thing, although it’s probably what you’re here for in the first place.”

Anne blinked and stepped back a bit, lowering her shades. 

“No. I came to see you” she stated quite honestly, but enjoyed the effect her words had on Miss Walker. She was positively blushing and bowed her head to hide her smile, “I mean I said I would. And I wanted to check up on you, since you live alone.” 

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you. But I can hardly say I live alone. Frankly, I’m astonished no one has burst in yet--”

“Save for me--” Anne smirked. Miss Walker chuckled and tossed her head minutely.

“Anyone of the tribe.”

“The what?” Anne snickered. Miss Walker bit her lower lip. 

“The tribe. My extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins once removed, their aunts and uncles… They’ve been all over me the minute I got back. I mean” she sighed and slumped down on the divan, “I guess I should be grateful and think it’s kind and nice and heartwarming, but it’s just… Would be nice to have a moment when you can think for yourself without someone pushing you one way or another.”

“Pushing you?” Anne frowned and came to sit at the other end of the divan. Miss Walker frowned, looking bothered. 

“I suppose they’ve all got brilliant ideas about how I should live my life. Just they don’t often bother to ask my opinion on any of it. I suppose when you’ve been poorly once, in some people’s books you’re poorly for good.” 

“Poorly? How?” Anne cocked her head and decided now was actually the perfect time to take Miss Walker’s hand, “you seem perfectly well to me.” She could hear Miss Walker gasp barely audibly, and it encouraged her to keep gingerly caressing the back of her hand with her thumb. 

“Long story” Miss Walker replied after a pressing, thick silence of a solid few seconds. Anne knew to retreat, so she slowly pulled her hand back and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, pleased to notice Miss Walker’s eyes were keen on her. 

“Well, perhaps you’ll share it with me another time” she mumbled, before she cleared her throat and straightened her back to get just a notch further away from Miss Walker, “who’s your solicitor? If you don’t mind me asking. Mine’s retiring and I’m looking for a new one. Are you happy with them?”

“Oh” Miss Walker seemed slightly stunned for a moment at the sudden change of topic, “Uh, yes, yes I am. I mean, they pretty much take care of everything for me and my sister. Samuel Washington, he’s running a local firm here in Halifax. They do my-- our accounting, too. Can’t complain. I don’t really know what you are looking for, but he’s been very good for us.” Anne waved her hand a bit dismissively.

“You know, someone to manage my properties, leases, sales et cetera--” 

“Well, yes, then I can recommend them” Miss Walker cut her off a bit, “I’ll give you his contact information.” Anne smirked and patted her leg before getting up. 

“Perfect. I should be going. I’ve overstayed my welcome--”

“Not at all--” Miss Walker hurried.

“I have” Anne nodded, her tone concluding, “and never mind the car crash. I’m sure your aunt’s insurance will cover a good part--”

“No, no, I’ll take care of everything” Miss Walker nearly pleaded, “just let me know what it comes down to--”

“Why? It’s your aunt’s car that crashed, isn’t it?”

“Y-yes, but I--”

“Were you driving?”

“No, but--”

“Then you’ve got no part to play unless you deliberately encouraged whoever was driving to crash--”

“No! No, I’d never--”

“Didn’t think so. So don’t worry about it--”

“No, please. I know it should fall on my aunt, but she--- She’s old and I don’t want her to lose money over something like that. And anyway, she wouldn’t have been out at that hour if it wasn’t for me. She was fetching me from the airport, and she didn’t have to. And she wants me to take care of it. I don’t think my father would’ve wanted her to--- You know, I think he would’ve wanted us to take care of her. So I will. And really, it doesn’t matter. Won’t hurt me in the least.” 

Anne shifted her weight to her back foot and crossed her arms. She herself would certainly not let a well enough off relative talk her into paying their dues, but Miss Walker seemed to think of it more as looking after her family rather than her aunt abusing her kind-heartedness. 

“As you wish. If you could brief your solicitor about it today. I’ll give him a call and if I find him suitable he’ll be in a much better position to deal with the matter swiftly.” 

Miss Walker nodded and smiled.

“Certainly.” 

Jack let out a tiny little whimper, as he yawned content, still on the divan. Anne sighed, plucked him up and placed him on the grass behind the patio. 

“He’ll be troublesome for the rest of the day after napping for four hours,” she bemoaned. Miss Walker chuckled apologetic. 

“Must be the house. Everything is still here.” 

“Quite the contrary” Anne countered, “I’ve had the most pleasant day with you. I was wondering if you’d like to go for a walk tomorrow” she loved the sudden astonishment on Miss Walker’s face, “just around here. Shibden Mill has this nice little inn, perhaps we could have lunch there?” 

“Oh-- y-yes, that sounds very nice.” 

“Wonderful. I’ll come pick you up at… say, 11?” 

“Sounds fair.”

“Excellent. Good” Anne smirked and clapped her hands together, “that means I’ve got plans for tomorrow, and that means I have to unpack today.”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve been putting it off. Unpacking” Anne shook her head and didn’t really understand why she was telling this to Miss Walker, “it’s… hard, and it shocks me how a whole year with someone can be crammed into a few cardboard boxes.”

“Mhh” Miss Walker nodded, “it feels like… once you take the things out of the bags and boxes, they’ll lose the life they had before. They become just things again.” 

A silence fell between them again, suddenly reminding Anne that here really was a person who’d also been more or less unwillingly tossed back to Halifax from what felt lightyears away, and was possibly at the bottom of a very similar rut to her own personal mental gorge. 

“Ahh--- I should get going. You’ve got things to do. And possibly a nosy relative sneaking up on you soon enough” she spoke to not let herself dive any deeper to her thoughts. Miss Walker laughed out loud and tossed her head back.

“Most likely, yes. Let me see you out--” she was interrupted by Jack jumping against her leg. She crouched and picked him up, “Thank you for a lovely visit. Yes, thank you. Will you come walk with me tomorrow?” 

Anne mused at the sight. 

“He’s too young for a long walk like that. I’m afraid it’s just me.” 

“Oh?” Miss Walker’s attention never left Jack, “well, until next time then, little darling” she kissed his head. Anne was perhaps just minutely hurt to be ignored like that, but then Miss Walker lifted her eyes and smiled at her. She turned and swaying walked back inside, leaving Anne a bit more flustered than she would’ve liked to admit. 

***

Ann Walker dug out her brother’s car from the garage. She drove to town, overcoming her anxieties about driving. She met with her solicitor and did the groceries. That evening, she received her aunt and cooked a light dinner for them. She called her sister and asked her to come over, when she could. She unpacked and did three rounds of laundry, not finishing until 11. She read Anne Lister’s new blog post, “Falling out of love in 72 hours”, and couldn’t quite grasp she’d spent her day with the person who’d written it. She picked an outfit she very much liked for the walk the next day. She fell asleep around midnight and didn’t wake up until the sun was high up. 


	7. Approximately 48 hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne Lister takes a weekend off. Ann Walker hosts her family. Smut.
> 
> TW: sex, homophobia, abusive/toxic relationships

“I thought you were heartbroken” Marian followed her all the way to the car, her tone beyond sour. 

“I am.”

“I thought” Marian raised her voice as Anne slammed the trunk shut a bit too forcefully, “that would keep you still for at least a few days.” 

“It’s just a weekend” Anne tried to not lose her cool, “Mary’s asked me to Lawton, she’s bored on her own, and I see no reason why I wouldn’t go.”

“Oh. Well, what’s stopping her from coming here, if she’s so desperate for your company?”

“You know she doesn’t exactly adore Shibden--”

“Well, we don’t exactly adore her, either--”

“All the more reason--”

“Will you take Jack? I’ve got to work late Saturday, Sunday both--”

“No, Mary wouldn’t like that---”

“Honestly, Anne, is there anything she does like about you?” her sister shot. Anne shrugged and waved her hands, annoyed. 

“Presumably. I’m about to find out, am I not?”

“Yes, and then crawl back here on Sunday, with your tail between your legs, because she’s done you dirty once again--”

“You know” Anne put her hands on her hips, “it’s really, truly heartwarming how involved you are in--”

“The biggest mess of your life--”

“My personal matters” Anne very nearly stomped her foot. Her eyes narrowed and lips thinned as Marian drove her extremely close to snapping at her, “but alas, it is my choice and my choice alone, so for your own mental health I’d advise you to keep out of it.”

“Well, perhaps it hasn’t crossed that brilliant mind of yours” her sister followed her promptly as Anne opened the car door and got in. Marian placed herself in the open door, making Anne inhale in fury, “but maybe the rest of us would’ve just wanted to enjoy a weekend at home with the family. But here you are, running off again, barely recovered from your latest romantic failure, jumping to her bed--”

“Don’t worry” Anne cut her off, her icy words barely audible, “I’ll be back to play house with you in approximately 48 hours.” With that, she started the car and just began driving while her sister was still trying to hold the door open. 

“You are--” Marian gasped and screamed, holding on to the door while Anne slowly, but stubbornly drove on “the most insufferable thick-headed idiot to ever have walked this Earth!” Anne, without delay, pushed Marian off the door and gave her the fingers before she sought to close it.

“I love you too, Marian!” she slammed the door shut and stepped on the gas as soon as she was out the gates. 

***

Ann had decided to use her Friday morning to prepare for the weekend. Her sister had managed to find a nanny for her children and she was coming over for an entire 2 days, and Ann had also invited their cousins Catherine and Delia to join them, as it had been nearly 3 years since they’d last all been together. She’d left her car for a check-up at the nearby car shop and driven in the ghastly courtesy car to do the groceries for the four of them for the weekend. 

She could cook fairly well, but she hated making lists and planning meticulously, so she just ambled through the aisles and picked everything that even remotely tickled her fancy or seemed useful. She suddenly had a craving for mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, and she turned the corner, nearly bumping into someone who was practically running down the aisle with their cart. 

“Oh, sorry! So sorry-- Oh, Ann!” Ann recovered and recognised Marian Lister, who seemed flustered, her smile a bit quick and panicked. 

“Marian” Ann smiled and pulled back a notch. They had nigh collided, “how are you?” 

“In a bit of a rush, actually, sorry to nearly run over you like that--”

“No worries--”

“Anne told me you’ve recovered well. How are you, how’s your head?” 

“As good as it gets” Ann tried to be amusing, but only received a slightly worried, pitying smile from Marian, “very well. Your sister’s been very kind to come see me. And Jack’s a wonderful pick-me-up, really.” Anne Lister had been visiting her with the puppy almost every day for the past week. Ann had begun to expect them around 11 in the morning, and it had been weirdly hollowing to not have received them today. 

_I’m better now. She has no reason to visit me anymore._

“Yes” Marian spoke, her tone a tad sour suddenly, “Anne can be very kind. When she wants to. She’s out of town for the weekend, if you were expecting her---”

“Yes, she told me she’s visiting a friend.” 

_She has plans for the weekend. I have plans for the weekend. It’s good. She’s visiting her friend. I’m not her friend._

“Mhh. Yes. Yes, she is” Marian seemed pensive, “got any plans for the weekend?” she then looked at Ann again, her smile casual.

“My sister’s coming over from Scotland, actually” Ann replied, “haven’t seen her for 2 years--”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! You must’ve missed her, are you close?”

“Yes, well, we used to be, at least. She’s got kids now, so we can’t really catch up as often as we’d like, but-- Yes, I’ve missed her. Terribly. You must’ve missed Anne, too, when she was gone.”

_I miss her, and I barely know her. Good god, stop rambling._

“Oh, well” Marian shrugged, “I did. But she drives me crazy, every now and then. You know. Sisters” she tried to smile. Ann nodded, but couldn’t really relate to Marian’s palled expression, “Listen, I know you’ve got a busy weekend ahead, but-- Could I ask for a favour?” Marian continued, looking slightly uncomfortable. 

“Y-- yes, of course” Ann was too puzzled to refuse right away, “anything.”

“Look, I’ve-- I’ve got to work this weekend, and my aunt’s got an appointment with her physiotherapist, and-- I was just wondering, since he’s spent so much time with you already, would you be able to take Jack, just for the two days?”

“Jack? I thought-- didn’t Anne take him?”

“No. Apparently Mrs Lawton, her--- friend, she doesn’t like a puppy in the house. And I wouldn’t ask, if I was home, but I don’t really trust my dad and aunt will remember when he needs feeding or going out. And I wouldn’t want them to have to clean up after him, if he---”

“No, of course not. Yeah, yes, I’d be happy to. He’ll be the light of the party, for sure” Ann mused. She’d missed the puppy already, although it had only been yesterday when Anne Lister had last visited her. 

“Really?” Marian gasped relieved and took Ann’s hand. Ann flinched at the touch, and Marian pulled her hand away swiftly, “oh, sorry, thank you, thank you so much, I’ll drop him over--” 

“No worries, I’ll pick him up on the way to get my sister from the station” Ann assured, “How’s 3 pm for you?” 

“Perfect. Thank you, Ann. Oh, shhi---” Marian was cut off by her phone ringing, “I’ve got to go, I’ll see you at 3, okay, thank you, thank you--” she hurried and went her way, picking up the phone, “Hello? Yes, I’m here. Of course--- No, she won’t be back until Sunday--” Ann heard her speak, before she turned the corner and headed towards the ice creams. There was a faint smile on her lips. If she couldn’t have Anne Lister, at least she’d have Jack for the weekend. 

***

There was no room for anything else in her head, when Anne Lister had Mariana panting under her. Her hands made their way up Mariana’s thighs, stopping briefly at her hips to pin her down, her leg resting between Mariana’s legs. Mariana brought her hand up Anne’s back to cup the back of her head, pulling her to a crashing kiss. Anne had been at Lawton for a whopping 4 minutes already, and since Charles was at a golf course a comfortable 20 minute drive away, they’d wasted no time in making themselves comfortable in Anne’s guest bedroom. 

Mariana’s scent twirled around Anne, absolutely fogging her senses, intoxicating her. She deepened the kiss, unable to pull back, and as Mariana moaned softly against Anne’s lips, Anne couldn’t help her hips grinding down minutely. Anne slid her hands up and behind Mariana’s back, seeking to open the zipper on her dress. Suddenly she felt Mariana’s hand on her chest, gently halting her for a moment.

“Go down on me” Mary locked eyes with Anne. Anne breathed heavy, then smirked content and kissed Mary again, leaving her lips and peppering kisses down her jawline and neck. Her hands found their way back on Mary’s thighs, now slipping under her dress, making their way up. Anne’s eyes shot open, when her hands reached Mary’s hips and found no piece of clothing to remove. Mary smiled and ran her finger down Anne’s cheek.

“See, that’s the perks of me knowing when to expect you” she arched her neck to whisper to Anne’s ear. Anne let out an astonished, but pleased chuckle. 

“Perhaps I should surprise you, then, sometimes. To catch you off guard.”

“You’re most welcome to work your way around me anytime, but if that mouth is staying up here, you could at least use it for kissing instead of talking” Mary mused and nibbled at Anne’s earlobe. 

“Impatience doesn’t suit you” Anne replied, a languid grin on her lips. 

“Mhh. But you do.” She dug her nails to Anne’s hair and pulled her to another heated, wet kiss. Anne gently pushed Mary’s dress up over her hips and sat up, removing her blazer and opening the top two buttons of her shirt. Mariana hooked her left leg behind Anne’s back and stared at her demandingly. 

“Take it off.” 

Anne’s hands stopped at the collar and she returned Mariana’s stare with a playful smirk, but Mariana impatiently and determinedly pulled with her leg behind Anne’s back, hurrying her, and Anne unbuttoned her shirt and tossed it on the floor. 

She moved closer, caressing the length of Mariana’s legs. 

“Mhh. I missed you” she muttered and kissed the inside of Mary’s thigh.

“I believe you. And yet you keep me waiting” Mariana tossed her head back, amusement and annoyance mixed in her tone. Anne smirked and nibbled softly at the tender skin on Mary’s leg, making Mary whimper in surprise. 

“Am I not allowed to take you in? To treat you?” Anne spoke, her lips hardly leaving Mary. 

“Treat me? This is torment, Freddy” Mariana drew breath sharply.

“Oh?” Anne asked mocking innocence, “I don’t think you’ve got the slightest about torment, my darling.” 

As she continued further down Mary’s thigh with her kisses, her hand glided from Mary’s hips to her core, and she carefully slid her middle finger down the centre, slightly parting Mary before gently cupping her. Her whole being shook with the moan that escaped Mariana at her touch. She pulled her hand away, as she lowered herself between Mariana’s legs, and for a moment rested her head against her hips. She caught Mary’s scent and tightened her hold of her thighs for a second, before she took her kisses lower, stopping to hover over Mary’s slit. It wasn’t too long since her stay in London, but she had been preoccupied then. Now, she was very much present and at ease, and as she opened her mouth and carefully slid her tongue on Mary, she knew she wouldn’t falter for a second. 

Mariana’s hand was tugging her hair the moment Anne’s tongue pressed against her and parted her folds. Her leg found its way on Anne’s back, twitching, urging her closer. Anne’s hands moved on to hold Mariana’s hips that slowly started to grind, when Anne’s tongue came to circle her clit. Anne was gentle with pressure, but she sucked at Mary softly every now and then, and was pleased to find it worked just as well as it always had. Mary’s grip on her hair tightened, and Anne licked the length of her with more pressure a few times before returning to suck at her clit ardently, making Mariana arch her back and thrust her hips up against Anne’s face. Anne continued to circle her clit and soon she felt Mariana tremble minutely, her leg tense against Anne’s back. She pulled away her right hand from Mary’s hip and brought it down to her middle, slowly pushing in her middle finger, her tongue still on Mary. 

Mariana moaned and her thighs clamped around Anne’s head. Anne licked and sucked greedily, bending her finger slightly while gliding it in and out. Mariana’s hand left her hair and her gasps and moans filled the room, her body shaking, her hips pumping against Anne’s mouth. Anne tightened her grip on her hip, not letting her escape a single movement she performed, until Mariana cried out and Anne felt her pulsating against her finger. Anne gently pulled her finger out and placed her lips on Mary, revelling at the feeling of the strong pulses against her lips. 

Mary’s hand returned on Anne’s hair, tugging affectionately, stroking softly. Anne got up and rested her head against Mary’s leg. She looked up and locked eyes with Mary, and for a split second she wished she could just slip under Mary’s skin and become one with her, never having to part. 

“Marry me” she blurted before she could stop herself. She hated the bubbly hopefulness that always swelled in her chest when she asked Mary this, because she was also extremely familiar with the crushing disappointment that always followed seconds or minutes after, depending on Mariana’s mood. 

“We’re hosting a dinner party tonight” Mariana replied, giving Anne’s hair one more long caress before pulling her hand away. Anne chuckled to mask the suffocating lump in her throat.

“Mhh. Who’s coming?” 

“Some neighbours and friends. Nantz will be here, so you won’t be bored.” 

“Oh. Well, pardon me, but I’ve never found her particularly engaging--”

“Engaging enough to fuck her, though” Mary shot, resting on her elbows, smirking dryly. 

“That was 16 years ago. Are you ever going to let that go?”

“You know, if you consider yourself married to me, you should at least act accordingly” Mariana tried to joke, but struck a sore spot. Anne crawled on top of her and caught her chin quite firmly. 

“Pretty rich coming from someone who is married and yet sleeps around with me” she nearly gnarled. Mariana reached up and pecked Anne’s cheek.

“I’m more married to you than I’ve ever been to him.”

“Not in the eyes of the law.”

“It wasn’t even legal back then for us to--”

“It has been now, for nearly ten years--”

“Freddy, stop. Please. Not now” Mariana cupped her cheeks and pulled her to a brief kiss, “I love you. More than anyone ever has. When’s that going to be enough for you?” 

Anne sighed, her heart heavy and bursting. She rested her forehead against Mariana’s, their noses gently brushing.

“It is” she muttered, “for now.” 

Mariana chuckled and pressed a brief kiss on Anne’s lips. 

“Good. I’ll see if I can come to you tonight. I might not, but I want you for the day” she stroked Anne’s chest pressing softly, “come on, then, put your shirt on. Let’s have lunch.” She pushed Anne backwards, and Anne sat up, getting off the bed, finding her scattered tops. 

“What are you cooking for me, then?” she asked rather humorlessly. Mariana laughed and tossed her head back.

“What do you think I have staff for?”

***

_Goodish sesh with M-- right after I arrived at Lawton. Helped myself out later in the bathroom. Had lunch and sauntered in the garden. C-- home at 3 pm. Warm enough greeting from him, I very civil. A dozen people coming over for dinner. Planning on retiring early, hoping they will not be too noisy._

Anne was scribbling on her bed to pass the time before the arrival of the guests. Mariana was busy going over the evening with the staff and picking her outfit, and Anne had used the opportunity to escape to her thoughts for a moment, before the house would be filled with people she’d need to socialize with for at least a few hours. 

She was about to place her pen back on the cream coloured paper, when her phone buzzed on the bedside table, giving her a slight jolt. She frowned and took it to her hand, tapping the home button to activate the screen. 

**Ann Walker**

Guess who’s over at Crow Nest for the weekend? :) 

**Ann Walker**

Sent a video

Anne frowned and swiped her phone open. She clicked to her messages, found the clip and clicked play. It was the Walkers’ back garden, and--

“Jack! Jack, come here, boy! Come here, darling--” Anne could hear Miss Walker coo at the puppy. She was puzzled as to why Jack was there, but she couldn’t help smiling at his silly jumps and floppy running, as he dashed to Miss Walker, “come-- uhh, here we go” Anne could see Miss Walker pick the puppy up. Then the camera flipped around and a cloud of blonde hair framed the screen. Miss Walker smiled warmly, directly at Anne, Jack pressed against her chest. Anne took a deep breath, biting her lip.

“Wave to Anne, Jack. Bye bye” she took the puppy’s paw and moved it minutely. Anne couldn’t help a chuckle escaping her lips. The video ended and Anne started typing.

_:) :)_

_Why’s he with you?_

_Bumped into Marian doing the groceries_

_She asked me to take him, she’s working this weekend_

_Oh._

_I’m sorry._

_She probably has on-call duty then._

_I’m sorry. I should’ve taken him with._

  
  


_No, it’s good. He’s a darling_

_Where does she work?_

_I forgot to ask :D_

_Dental nurse._

_Big thanks for having him._

_I can see he’s living his best life!_

_Haha I’m sure he misses you, though_

_I miss him too._

_Frankly I’m a bit bored._

_Might go for a run._

_There’s a dinner party tonight._

_Sounds lovely :)_

_I’d rather not attend, tbh._

  
  


_I just got my sister from the station_

_My cousins are coming later today_

  
  


_That sounds much nicer._

_Have a lovely weekend!_

_You too! :)_

  
  


_Say hi to your sister and cousins from me._

  
  


_Will do :)_

  
  


_And keep me posted about Jack._

_Let me know if he misbehaves; I’ll come get him straight home! :)_

  
  
  


_No! I won’t. It’s my secret plan to keep him for good_

  
  


_Is that so? You may have him until Sunday._

_Oh. And what if I want to keep him?_

_You’ll have to fight me._

_Oh I wouldn't. I’d bribe you_

  
  


_With what exactly? It’s a puppy. The stakes are high._

  
  


_I’m aware. I guess you’ll find out on Sunday_

Anne was positively grinning by now. She’d been to Crow Nest almost every day for the past week or so and now that she wasn’t there for their customary tea and walk in the garden or the nearby fields, she found her day somewhat lacking. Miss Walker had proved decent company, more than decent, in all honesty, and a welcomed catalyst for Anne to keep her mind active, providing a daily departure from the sedimentary stillness of life at Shibden. 

And now, just after a few hours of their first day without seeing one another, Miss Walker had contacted her. Yes, she’d used the puppy as an excuse (of which Anne saluted her scantly), but she had contacted her. Perhaps it was too early to call it a flirt, but she wasn’t certain she could exclude that option, either. And frankly, no one had managed to squeeze this many replies out of her for a good few years. For a moment she mused with the thought of spending the evening on her phone with Miss Walker, but then she remembered Miss Walker also had company for the evening. Chuckling, feigning a slight disappointment at the reappearing promise of boredom for the night, she got up, leaving her entry unfinished for now. She strode to the door and bellowed to the hallway.

“Mariana? I’m going out!” 

  
  


***

Ann returned from the kitchen with another bottle of white wine, and was greeted with a unison ‘yes!’ from her guests. She smiled and slumped down on the couch next to her cousin Catherine. Jack, who had stayed close to Ann throughout the evening, languidly opened his eyes, but seeing that his favourite person in the room was back, he got back to his napping, turning on his back and yawning. 

“That puppy will be the death of me, seriously” Delia spoke, “he’s so cute. Are you sure you have to return him?” 

Ann hummed and opened the bottle. 

“Yes. He’ll probably be terribly homesick during the night. You won’t like him then, I can guarantee that.”

“I’ll hold him. He can sleep in my bed.”

“He’ll wet it, for sure” Ann continued and filled their glasses.

“Sounds like having children” her sister huffed and took her glass before sitting back comfortably. The rest of the party chuckled at her remark, “god, I’d forgotten what this place looks like. You haven’t done much to lighten it up, have you?” she looked around, light disapproval on her face.

Ann chuckled, mocking hurt. 

“Excuse me! I’ve been home for scarcely over a week. It’s not like I don’t want to--” she waved her hand in the air, “I just haven’t had the time to get down to remodelling the whole thing.” 

“Have you been well?” Catherine asked, “I mean, I can tell you’re good, but judging by your aunt talking, I was expecting to meet a corpse.” Elizabeth and Delia tittered, when Ann rolled her eyes.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake--” Ann cussed.

“Language!” Elizabeth commented.

“Oh nip it, you left your kids at home” Ann shot back at her, “it’s as if she’s been going door to door tattling about how poorly I am. Seriously!” she chuckled at the other’s smiling, but disbelieving faces, “you should see how people look at me in fucking Sainsbury’s! It’s like they expect me to drop dead on the floor.” The others smirked at her amused anger. 

“Seriously, though” her sister asked, placing her glass on the table, “how are you?” 

“Can we please talk about something else?” Ann chuckled, annoyed and nervous. 

“Annie--”

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Just… It must be hard, settling in. And I didn’t think you’d be coming back, just like that. Is everything alright?” 

“Yes. Yes, it is. I just… Gosh, there was just this… this guy--”

“Ohmygod” Catherine sat up, bursting, and placed her hand on Ann’s thigh.

“No! No, nothing like that” Ann was quick to cut their curiosity off, “just this stupid… bloke from Bristol. He came to live at the boarding house we were in, and he made a move on me.” 

“Well? How did it go?” Delia cocked her head. Ann frowned.

“I left.” 

The silence was almost unbearable. Then, Elizabeth sighed and tossed her head back.

“Oh my god, Ann…” she muttered, rubbing her temples. 

“What?” Ann was puzzled and frankly a bit hurt. 

“You can’t just… drop things off like that! Come on, he was just hitting on you. What’s the harm?”

“Well, I didn’t like him!” 

“Sounds like you didn’t really get to know him in the first place” Catherine muttered. 

“I’m sorry!” Ann was flabbergasted, “he was annoying, self-centred, rude, ill-mannered and he definitely groped me, so I’m sorry if that did not impress me in the slightest!”

“You didn’t say he groped you.”

“Well, I did just now. What?” she looked at them all, “you didn’t expect me to come back with a husband, did you?”

“Well, I honestly thought you’d found someone” Delia spoke quite innocently, “I mean, why else would you spend two years--”

“Because I liked it there!” Ann gasped, “good god, you’re just like the rest of them. I should’ve just kicked him in the nuts and tossed him out and stayed there…”

“No, Ann, come on” Catherine took her hand, “we just want you to be happy, is all. You’ve got this big house all to yourself. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a man around?” 

“Well…” Ann swayed her head to the side, “there is… a man who’s recently found his way to my heart.” 

“Ohmygod” Cathering blurted again and Delia gasped.

“It’s the puppy” Elizabeth mused dryly, “don’t get your hopes up.” Ann smirked and turned to scratch Jack, who slowly woke up and found his way to Ann’s lap. 

“Don’t underestimate him” Ann mumbled, caressing his silky hair, “he’s been pivotal in my recovery from returning home.” 

“How long have you had him here?”

“Oh, no, he’s not been staying. He’s just here for the weekend, it’s an exception. Marian, our neighbour, asked me to take care of him, while Anne’s out of town--”

“Oh, wait-- Marian? Marian Lister?” Elizabeth sat up, “is this the Listers’ dog?”

“Yes” Ann picked Jack up and allowed him to lick her face, “this is Anne’s dog. She’s been kind enough to come around with him to see how I’m doing.” 

“Oh.”

“Anne Lister?”

“Anne Lister’s been here?” Elizabeth frowned, “God, that was a while since,” She remembered the punk looking, short-haired arrogant, but charismatic woman vividly, “What’s she up to these days, then?”

Ann shrugged. 

“Writes her blog, I suppose. I haven’t really asked.” 

“When was she here?” Elizabeth continued. 

“Hmm, today’s Friday…” Ann thought for a moment, “everyday except last Thursday. We went for a walk in Shibden Valley then.”

“Oh. You’ve become friends then?” Elizabeth glanced at Catherine and Delia slightly awkwardly. 

“Well, sort of. She’s nice. And then there’s Jack” Ann smiled at the dog besotted. 

“You…,“ Cathering spoke, her tone reserved, “do know what people say about her?”

Ann frowned and shook her head.

“No,” she said quite earnestly, “what do people say about her?”

Catherine lifted her chin a bit cockily. 

“That she’d flirt with a door frame if it wore a skirt.” 

Delia chortled to her wine. Ann looked at her cousin unimpressed.

“Oh, you mean she’s a lesbian?” Ann cocked her head, “just so you know, it isn’t contagious, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“No” Catherine insisted, “I mean she’s a skirt chaser.”

“Well, good thing I’m not wearing one, then” Ann was sour. 

“Ann, I didn’t mean--”

“You know, she’s nice” Ann snapped, “she’s been nice to me. She’s been kind. We’re friends and that’s that. I’m not a lesbian. And she’s not interested in me.”

“So she hasn’t tried to--” Catherine pressed on, blushing now. 

“God no!” Ann wrinkled her nose, “No, she wouldn’t. She’s not like that. At all. She’s been nothing but kind, civil and helpful to me since I got back, which is a lot more than I can say for a bunch of other people much closer to me.” 

“Well, that’s good, then” her sister butted in to cool Ann down, “we’re happy you’ve made a friend. And a celebrity too. Bit of a B list one, but still” she remarked and made their cousins chuckle. 

“That’s not why I’m friends with her!”

“Oh, good. Must be terrible, the parties she gets invited to.” 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, will you knock it off? You don’t even know her, the lot of you. If you did, you wouldn’t be saying any of this--”

“Why are you getting so upset?” Elizabeth smirked. 

“Because you’re making fun of my friend!”

“I think you like her.”

“Oh, come on” Ann sighed and rolled her eyes. The rest of the party was quiet. 

“What?” Ann retorted, “I don’t like her!”

“Are you into girls, Annie?” Elizabeth teased her and Ann knew it, but it got under her skin. 

“Don’t call me that. And yeah, what if I was, hmm? What are you going to do about it?” Ann was trying to get a hold of the situation.

Elizabeth tossed her hands up in the air, spilling some wine.

“Oh, no, not me. But I bet Anne Lister could come up with something.”

They all burst into giggles, even Ann, who, embarrassed, buried her face in her hands.

*** 

Anne returned upstairs, definitely tipsy, verging on drunk. The dinner had been fun enough, and they’d sat out on the patio, enjoying the warmth emanating from the massive fire pit, smoking. At some point during the course of the evening, Charles had disappeared for a moment (presumably having gone after his housekeeper), and Anne had allowed Mariana to undo her tie and open the top two buttons of her shirt, before she’d felt prying, albeit intoxicated, eyes on the two of them. Charles had returned just a moment after Mariana’s hands had left Anne (presumably not having found said housekeeper), and had become overly fond of his wife all of a sudden. Anne, feeling the headache of champagne and one too many cigarettes seeping in, had excused herself, and was now on her way to her bedroom, when she noticed a figure by a door two doors down the hallway from her door. 

“Nantz” she greeted her, slightly shocked at how coarse her own voice was as a result of drinking, smoking and loud speaking. 

“Retiring already?” Mariana’s older sister asked her. Nanzt was already in her nighties, her dressing robe wrapped around her tightly. Lawton could be chilly, even in late spring. 

“Yes. I’d rather sleep in a bed than on a patio chair.”

“I thought you’d be with her tonight.” There was a slight challenge in her tone. 

“No” Anne shook her head, hazy, “not tonight.”

“But you are still sleeping with my sister?” Ah. There was the challenge. 

“Occasionally” Anne replied, tossing her head back a bit, smirking. Nantz chuckled and shook her head. 

“It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Nantz.”

“Won’t you come in a minute? I do love a late night chat with you.” 

“Oh? Just a chat?” Anne inquired, raising a brow. Nanzt sighed and clicked her tongue. 

“Yes, just a chat this time.” She opened her door and held her hand out to Anne. Anne came to her and allowed Nantz to take her hand. Nantz’s room was slightly smaller than Anne’s, and it didn’t have an en suite bathroom (something which Anne never requested but Mariana always provided her, likely in hope of a possible make out in the shower), but it did have a fireplace, and Anne felt the warmth soon on her face. Languidly, she took off her blazer and quite brazenly tossed herself on Nantz’s bed and made herself comfortable. 

“Water?” Nantz asked. Anne noticed a jug of water on the bedside table and envied Nantz’s solid preparations for a hangover. 

“Please. I have a feeling I’ll be in dire need of it in an hour or two.”

“Looks like it, darling” Nantz mused and handed her a glass, before sitting down next to Anne, leaning back against the headboard. 

“You know” Anne spoke, having gulped the water in a few seconds, “some years back I would’ve asked for whisky instead.” Nantz chuckled and shook her head. 

“Has been a bit longer than some years.” 

Anne smirked and reached to place the glass on the bedside table. 

“Has.” 

“I read your blog” Nantz spoke after a silence.

“It seems people do” Anne replied, closing her eyes. 

“How are you?” Nantz took Anne’s hand. The question surprised Anne, and suddenly in her drunken state, she was quite unable to hold her emotions back as well as she would’ve sober. She squeezed Nantz’s hand gingerly and sighed. 

“D’you know, I wouldn’t lie if I said I’ve been better” she managed to croak. Nantz caressed the back of her hand with her thumb gently.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t.” Silence fell over them. Anne sniffed and tossed her head back, hitting the headboard. 

“Goddammit--” she cussed and her hand flew to cover the back of her head.

“Careful, love--”

“Nah, I’m alright.” Anne shook her head lightly and bit her lip before she spoke again.

“You’d think I’d be used to it by now. Break-ups.” 

“One never is.”

“You’ve had any recently?”

“Break-ups or people?”

“I think the second usually is a prerequisite for the first to occur.” 

Nantz smirked at Anne’s quick, clever tongue. 

“Neither for a while. Life is much more tranquil without, I find.”

“I should agree,” Anne admitted with a sigh, “but before long I’m head over heels with some girl again, dragging myself into yet another joke of a relationship.”

“You’ll find someone. I know you will.”

Anne sighed in frustration and lifted her hand that was in Nantz's. 

“It’s not that I don’t find people” she muttered, her eyes now on their hands, “it’s that… no one seems to stick around for long.” 

“Well, perhaps” Nantz spoke, and the pregnant pause she took told Anne she wished to place her next words very carefully, “perhaps you’ve got some baggage you’ve been dragging with you.”

“Like what?” Anne was drunk and thus even more easily annoyed by people poking into her personal matters. Nantz didn’t need to say anything; she just waved her hand around. Anne crumbled under her observation and closed her eyes again. 

“Have you asked her to marry you again?” Nantz whispered. 

“Today last” Anne barked, bitter and disappointed in herself. 

“Oh, Anne…” 

“Stop. Stop, I don’t need that.” 

“I’m not sorry for you… Well, I am. But…” Nantz took a moment to consider, “not because I think you’re a fool.”

“I am a fool.”

“No, I just… You’re not. Can’t say I haven’t wondered how you make it work--”

“We don’t” Anne spat, brutally honest about her relationship to Mariana, “it’s a day here, another there, promises of maybe more days in the future.” Nantz didn’t say anything and Anne knew she was silently trying to encourage her to continue. 

“It’s not…” Anne stuttered, “It’s not baggage I choose to take with me.” 

“No” Nantz agreed. She lifted her arm and put it around Anne, and Anne didn’t refuse her. They were quiet again, Anne rested against Nantz’s shoulder and let her eyes grow dry and tired at the flicker of the fire across the room. They were both alerted, when her phone buzzed. Frowning, Anne took it out. When she saw who the sender of the message was, a smile crept on her face. 

“Well” Nantz nudged her head, “who’s the girl that makes you smile?”

Anne chuckled and shook her head. 

“Just my neighbour. She’s taking care of my dog for the weekend. Just letting me know how he’s been.” She locked the screen and didn’t read the message just now, but instead sat up and slid off the bed and onto her feet. Nantz handed her her blazer. Anne smiled ruefully at her, but smirked then, and took the blazer.

“You’ve known me for 20 years” she spoke and tossed the blazer over her shoulder.

“I have. It’s a friendship I’ve not regretted” Nantz cocked her head and smiled tired. 

“Me neither. How can I thank you for…” Anne signalled vaguely with her hand, ”I don’t know. Listening. Friendship.” 

“No need.” 

“You sure?” 

Nantz nodded. 

“Good night then” Anne smirked and turned.

“Well” she heard Nantz, and stopped on her tracks, “you could kiss me good night.” 

Anne grinned at her words and ran her thumb over her lips before she turned and walked back to the bed. Tenderly, she took Nantz’s chin and pulled her into a soft, deep kiss. She let it go on for a tad longer, and when they parted, she enjoyed Nantz’s warm breath against her lips. 

“Good night” she smiled, their lips barely parted. 

“Good night” Nantz replied somewhat laboriously, which widened Anne’s grin. She pecked Nantz once more, before she pulled back, turned and walked to the door. She stood by the door for a second and turned once more to face the room. Nantz sat on the bed looking a bit helpless.

“Sleep well” Anne wished her, and as Nantz only seemed able to nod in response, Anne stepped to the hallway and closed the door after her.

When she got to her room, she impatiently tossed her blazer on her bag on the floor, and dug out her phone. 

**Ann Walker**

Good night xx

**Ann Walker**

Sent a picture

Anne opened her phone. The picture was Jack curled up in his little bed. Anne smiled faintly. 

  
  


_He seems comfortable._

_Thanks again._

_Good night xx_

Anne was ready to call it a day, when she saw Ann Walker typing again. 

_No trouble at all_

_They all loved him_

_I hope you had a good evening_

_Good enough._

_He must’ve loved being the centre of attention._

_Don’t pamper him too much._

_I don’t make promises I can’t keep_

_Didn’t you just say you’d bribe me today?_

_I still very much intend to_

_He’s my dream guy_

_I’ll do whatever it takes to win him over_

_True love, I see._

_I think you’ve won him over already._

_Now you just need to win me._

_I said I’d do whatever it takes_

_I will win you over_

_Still can’t fat on how._

_Fathom._

_I’ve got until Sunday_

_I’ll figure something out_

_A little something won’t do_

_He’s my boy_

_And I’ve got big plans for him_

_Oh is that so_

_Yes._

_He won’t come lightly._

_Well I guess I’ll just have to ask your sister_

_She’s got no authority whatsoever over him._

_Not for the dog! :D_

_The bribery_

_She must know what you like_

_She knows how to irk me._

_You’ll have to pull some trick to win this one._

_I’m confident_

_Why? You’ve known me for a week._

  
  


_Well, perhaps you shouldn’t pour your life into a blog_

_Post stuff online, it stays there forever you know_

_I’ll just rummage through your archives_

_I’m bound to find something_

_Thanks for the heads up._

_The archives will be unavailable from tomorrow onwards._

_Good one_

_But I’ve got all night_

_Sleep well (I sincerely hope you do)_

Anne chuckled out loud. She was still by the door, resting against it, trying to think what to type back. Her autocorrect was saving her admirably from too many drunken typos.

_Fair enough._

_Still_

_If I were you, I’d prepare for a negotiation on Sunday._

_See?_

_Now you’re already willing to negotiate_

_I told ya_

_I know what I’m doing_

_Touché._

_Sleep well._

_You too_

Anne smirked and tossed her phone on the bed before starting to undress. Thirsty, she drank greedily from the tap before brushing her teeth, her head clearing enough for her to get some sleep. Knackered, she crawled under the duvet naked. Her notebook was still open on the bedside table. Hazy, she reached for it and read through her last lines from earlier. She grabbed her pen and propped herself up on her elbows to jot down a few notes of the evening.

~~_Gooish_ ~~ _._ _~~Gooish~~. _ _Goodish party. M-- with C-- tonight. Chat with Nantz. Kissd her goodnigt. Miss W-- texting. Seems keen enogh._

She tossed the book and pen back on the table, pulled the lush pillow to her and curled up, fast asleep as soon as she closed her eyes.

  
  



	8. A plaintive look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne Lister enjoys Lawton. Ann Walker tries to manage a puppy. A lot of texting.

Anne woke up, when another weight landed softly on the bed next to her. She frowned and just barely opened her eyes. The room was light and she foggily remembered she had not drawn the curtains. Her head ached, but not as badly as she had predicted last night. She felt a soft touch on her bare back. 

“Morning, Freddy.”

Anne smirked content and closed her eyes for a moment.

“How on earth are you up before me?” she mumbled and turned on her back, now facing Mariana, who sat on the edge of her bed, her hand now on Anne’s stomach. 

“I know you like to sleep naked after a night out” Mariana purred, “I came to enjoy the view.” 

Anne scoffed, but couldn’t help smiling. She scooted over and lifted her arm, allowing Mariana to crawl in. 

“I brought you breakfast” Mary muttered as she settled next to Anne, resting her head on Anne’s chest. Anne glanced over and on the bedside table, there was a small breakfast tray. 

“Goodness, Mary. What’s gotten into you?”

“I would’ve wanted to come to you last night.” Mary caressed Anne gingerly.

“I’m glad you didn’t. I was hammered.”

“You left early” Mary spoke and Anne imagined she could detect a hint of disappointment and pouting in her tone. She didn’t say anything in reply, but just pressed a kiss on Mary’s hair. 

“Sleep well?” Anne asked, running her hand down Mary’s back, stopping on the small of her back. Mary chuckled dryly.

“No. Charles was snoring throughout. I should’ve come up with you.” 

“You’re here now. What time is it?”

“Bit to eight.”

“Mhh. I’m getting up” Anne grunted and sought to move. Mary rolled over her. 

“Not just yet” she cupped Anne’s cheek and pressed a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

“Is that so?”

“Mhh. Yes.” 

“That’s likely” Anne barely gave Mary a warning, before grabbing her and rolling her over. Mary shrieked, and Anne chuckled mischievously, ending on top of Mary. 

Nantz stopped on her way down the hallway. The door to Anne’s room was ajar, and she could hear Anne’s chuckle and her sister’s shrieks and giggles. A plaintive look crossed her face, before she turned away and made her way downstairs. 

  
  


***

Ann Walker had resolutely decided that she would not let Jack in the bed, no matter what. She had been stubborn, when Jack had whimpered next to her bed; she’d just put her hand over the edge of her bed, letting him sniff and lick it to know that he wasn’t alone. She had been steadfast, when he’d started to nibble at her hand, howling miserably in between. She had been adamant, when he’d jumped against her bed, barked, dashed around the room and scratched at the door. 

Eventually, she figured, she must’ve given in in her sleep deprived state, and allowed him on the bed, for she now woke up to him whimpering in his sleep, curled up next to her on a pillow. She knew she could’ve slept better without him here, but she couldn’t help smiling at the sight of him. 

“I bet you 50 quid you’re not allowed in bed at home” she mumbled and propped herself up on her elbows. The rustling of the sheets awoke Jack, who stretched and yawned, before crawling to her, wagging his silly little tail sleepily. Ann picked him up and swiftly got out of bed, grabbing her dressing gown with her.

“I know you need to go” she muttered as she stepped to the hallway as quietly as she could, “please hold on for one more minute.” Jack didn’t seem to mind being carried, and he was heavy and sluggish still. Ann hurried downstairs and to the back garden, where she gingerly put him on the grass. He took a few slow steps and hid behind a bush to do his business. 

Ann sighed and rubbed her temples. She hadn’t checked the time, but the sun was high, so it must’ve been well into the morning. It was still chilly and she quickly wrapped on her dressing gown. The early morning fog had cleared, but the sun was not yet high enough to have dried the dew on the grass, so when Jack jumped against her leg, she jolted at his cool, wet paws on her skin. 

“Full awake, now, are we?” she was sour, but only for a split second, before she crouched and scratched the excited puppy behind his ears,”I’ll get a cuppa, and then we’ll walk through the garden. Mhh. Yes, we will. And you can jump and run to your heart’s content--” Jack jumped and sought to lick her face. Ann was caught off guard and tumbled down.

“Oh, if you jump like that, I’ll have to consider giving you back” she grunted as she pushed back up on her feet. Jack didn’t seem to care; he dashed back inside, up the stairs, slipped and slid face first to the sun room glass door. 

“Oh!” Ann gasped, but as he recovered in about half a second and continued his dash as soon as Ann opened the double doors for him, she reckoned there was not too much to worry about. He didn’t venture far without Ann by his side, and so they crossed the living room and the hallway together to the kitchen.

Ann made sure he had his breakfast, while she was waiting for the kettle to boil. Her sister and cousins were apparently still asleep, and as Ann looked at the time on the microwave clock, she couldn’t blame them.

“Half past seven?” she spoke to Jack, who had sat down next to his bowl expectantly, despite just having had his food, “you don’t think you could give me another hour or two?” she crouched down to pet him, but he jumped at her.

“Didn’t think so” Ann sighed and went to get her mug, as the kettle popped. 

  
  


***

_Good, long sesh with M-- this morning. She brought breakfast to bed, which last happened when I had the flu 15 years ago. Very happy and moved by the gesture, and gave her all the love I had. She called me ‘husband’ which made me feel very odd and heavy in the heart. She acts as if on the fence about us, which I know not to be the case; her conduct here and in London two weeks back tells me I’m not the first thing on her mind, ever. M-- & C-- out to play golf with everyone else - only Nantz and myself at the house. Walked with her around the pond and to the church. Bored out of our wits, still no one at home by 3pm. Light lunch in the garden, played two rounds of casino (I lost both). Miss W-- texted me last night. She is certainly peculiar, and I’m more intrigued than I care to admit. It could be she’s only looking for a way to pass the time as well, but she is timid and takes her time to warm up to me whenever we meet, so I know not what to make of it. My instinct tells me to take it slow; whatever it turns out to be, at least I will have had some company while at Shibden. Kissed Nantz again when we got in. Thought about joining her in the shower, but then stayed writing. Whatever the case with M-- may be, it has never done me good to go behind her back too much. _

Her phone buzzed and she sighed annoyed, tossing her pen on the desk. 

**Marian Blister**

Wtf Anne

**Marian Blister**

Are you shagging Ann Walker?

**Marian Blister**

You’ve known her for a week!

Anne scoffed, frowning in confusion, and hurried to reply.

  
  


_No_

_What the fuck Marian_

_Where’s this coming from?_

_And for the record_

_A week is a long time_

_For casual sex_

  
  


_Oh for fuck’s sakes_

_Exactly_

_Alright then why’s she texting me_

_Asking what’s your favourite food_

_??_

_What?_

_How would I know?_

_Ah_

_Wait_

_I KNEW IT_

_Not shagging her_

_She’s trying to bribe me_

  
  


_I’m going to tell her_

_That no one_

_Absolutely no one needs to bribe you_

_For sex_

  
  


_A bit desperate there are we?_

_Make it about sex all you like, Marian_

_She wants the puppy_

_And she’s trying to bribe me_

  
  


_Wtf_

_Jack?_

_For real?_

  
  


_I don’t know_

_I think she’s messing with me_

_But it’s fun_

_You didn’t tell her_

_Did you?_

  
  


_I will now_

_What?_

_Why?_

_Because it’s a joy_

_To see someone mess with you_

_Frankly I’ll pay her_

_If she does it well_

  
  


_You don’t even know_

_What my favourite food is_

_You think I don’t know you_

_You don’t_

_I was going to embarrass you_

_And say it’s naked ladies or smth_

_But then I told her_

_Bread and butter pudding_

_What_

_You didn’t_

_I remember, idiot_

_You were a sucker for bread and butter pudding_

_Auntie use to make it all the time_

_For you_

  
  


_Well fine_

_No matter_

_She probably doesn’t know how to make bread and butter pudding_

  
  


_Fingers crossed she does_

_I’d love to see you struggle_

_You’re not giving him away tho_

_Are you?_

_Of course not_

_Don’t be stupid_

_I’m taking him shooting_

_Once he grows up_

_Pudding is not the deal breaker here_

_What is, then?_

_Nothing. I’m not giving up my dog._

_Our dog._

_Oh, yes, of course_

_Because you are so pivotal to his training._

_Pivotal enough to find someone_

_to look after him while you vanish_

_after 3 hours at home as usual_

_I didn’t know you had on-call duty this weekend_

  
  


_I told you literally a minute before you left_

  
  


_Too little too late_

_And he’s happy with Miss Walker_

_How’s work?_

_Quiet_

_For now_

_yes she told me_

_Can I have some of the pudding?_

_If she decides to bribe you with it_

  
  


_Depends._

_If it’s shit you can have all of it_

  
  


_Wow_

_So kind_

_You’re a good person_

_Asshole_

_Quit whining_

_It’s me she’s trying to bribe_

_So it’s my call_

_Knobhead_

_Get home in time tomorrow_

_Define in time_

_Tea latest_

_You’ll have to cook_

_I’ll be at work_

_Fine._

_See you_

_See you_

***

After a serious battle of rock-paper-scissors, Ann Walker was happy to slump down on her divan and watch her cousins slouch back inside to cook dinner. Elizabeth, who’d prepared most of their brunch earlier, accompanied her, and they languidly took turns tossing the still over excited puppy his tennis ball. They’d dragged the divan, two rattan chairs and an old sunbed from the garage out on the patio. Ann and her sister had barely been able to move the divan the two of them; it escaped Ann how Anne Lister had managed it on her own. Jack came to her and dropped the ball, but when Ann tried to reach it, he jumped at it, barking, and took it, seemingly unable to decide if he wanted to keep it or Ann to play with him.

“He’s been like that ever since we got up” Ann bemoaned, “do you think he’s ever going to calm down?”

“Eventually. I bet any minute now he’s just gonna stop and fall asleep mid jump” Elizabeth sat back in the rattan chair and sipped her wine.

“Suppose. On the other hand, if he tires himself out now, that might mean a good night’s sleep for me.” Ann took the ball and tossed it as far as she could partially lying down with a glass in her hand.

“Doesn’t work like that” Elizabeth marked dryly, “trust me, I’ve tried. There’s always a backup reserve of energy they’ve got stored somewhere. Especially handy when it’s bedtime.”

“Are you tired?”

“Beyond reason sometimes” her sister admitted, “but I’ve learned to nap when they do. It’s just… George has recently gotten madly jealous of his sister and he’s behaving like an absolute baby trying to get my attention.”

“D’you know, I do think you should’ve thought twice before calling your son the same as your husband” Ann was amused and Elizabeth chuckled. 

“There’s not much difference to their behaviour, to be honest” she smirked somewhat annoyed, “well, no, that’s mean, but…”

“Mhh, I get it.”

Elizabeth sipped her wine again and pulled her wide brim straw hat over her face.

“I came here to rest and now I’m hung over.”

“You’re welcomed to stay until it passes.”

“I don’t think it will,” Elizabeth mused, “not until well into tomorrow, anyway.”

“What time’s your train?” 

“I don’t want to think about that right now.” 

“Right. Sorry. Just tell me, I’ll drop you off at the station.”

“Thanks. Wasn’t looking forward to a walk from here anyway. What time’s your friend picking up her dog?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm. Would be nice to see her. Anne Lister. I’m quite curious.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know” Elizabeth tossed her head back, “she’s got a bit of a name to herself. I wonder what she’s been up to.”

“Don’t you read her blog?”

“What reason would I have to read her blog?” Elizabeth huffed amused.

“If you’re so curious” Ann shot back.

“I take it you do, then” Elizabeth straightened her back a bit and lowered her shades,”local Anne Lister expert and enthusiast Ann Walker, what can you tell us about Miss Lister’s latest undertakings?” 

Ann calmly gave her sister the fingers.

“Enthusiast? Really?” Ann spoke, jaded.

“You wouldn’t shut up about her, after she came here, when mum died--”

“I was 18. And she was nice to us. No one else really was--”

“Save for auntie.”

“Save for auntie.”

“Well?” Elizabeth cocked her head.

“I’m not going to gossip. You can read it yourself.”

“If it’s out in a blog, it’s hardly gossiping. Summarizing, I’d say.”

“Well, she broke up with her girlfriend recently.”

“Oh” was all Elizabeth said. She leaned back in her chair again, “sounds a bit weird, doesn’t it? A woman having a girlfriend. I mean, nothing wrong with it, obviously” she hurried and waved her hand dismissively, “just… sounds a bit odd, still, to me.”

“I suppose” Ann muttered listlessly, retreating. 

“Would be interesting to see her. I don’t really know anyone else.”

“What’d you mean?” Ann shook her head, a bit lost.

“Anyone gay” her sister spoke quite nonchalantly. 

“Why would you need to?” Ann frowned, utterly confused now.

“You know. I’m just curious” Elizabeth shrugged, “to see what they’re like. Do you think they’re okay in the kitchen, those two?” She changed the subject and looked back behind her shoulder. Ann drew a shaky breath and blinked in confusion.

“I’ll go check on them” she muttered and got up.

  
  


***

Anne had perhaps foolishly thought that a weekend at Lawton would mean hours alone with Mariana, while Charles busied himself with golf, socializing at the golf clubs or his housekeeper. In reality, it had turned out to be hours of watching Mariana entertain their guests with Charles, hardly leaving his side this evening, and Anne couldn’t quite fathom why Mariana had invited her here in the first place. She wasn’t lonely, and certainly not bored like she’d told Anne. No, Mariana was in her element, and Anne bitterly mused that perhaps she took some satisfaction in glancing at Anne’s direction every now and then, a content smirk on her lips if she caught Anne watching. 

“Uhm, Miss Lister?” Anne jolted as her name was called. One of the guests, a middle-aged man who reeked of self-hyped importance smiled at her, “Mrs Lawton tells me you are quite the hiker.”

“Ah. Yes, somewhat.”

“You haven’t walked the Pennine Way, have you?” he continued, a notch of challenge in his tone. Anne scanned him from head to toe. His jacket fit him ill, and his baby pink polo shirt was obscenely tight around this stomach. Anne could detect a sweat stain on his collar.

“I have” Anne spoke quite curtly. Being civil took some effort in her annoyed state. 

“What, all of it?” he frowned and pulled his head back a bit, smirking puzzled. Anne got the hint he didn’t believe her. 

“Yes. All of it” she replied, “one summer some ten years ago. Why?”

“Well” he tilted his head and smiled proudly, “I’m planning on hiking it, a part of it at least, this summer.” 

Anne was about to give him a hearty scoff in reply, but her phone buzzed in her pocket. 

“Really? How thrilling for you” she smiled, piqued, “excuse me.” She took out her phone and turned, walking out to the back garden. 

  
  


**Ann Walker**

I can see the archives are still in place

Anne grinned and took a seat around the fire pit, happy to find the back garden deserted of other guests so early in the evening.

  
  


_I happen to know they were of no use to you._

_You went directly to my sister._

  
  


_Doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying going through your archives_

_First ever post_

_“Laws of lesbianism”_

_Amusing, I’d venture to say_

_My god_

_Is that still there?_

_Apologies._

_Why? I think it’s clever_

_It was clever 20 years ago._

_It’s nostalgic at best._

_And offensive and hidebound at worst._

_I can’t really say_

_Do you really_

_Really_

_Honestly like_

_Bread and butter pudding_

_Yes._

_Why?_

_You think it’s disgusting, don’t you?_

_No, I think it’s adorable_

_What, pudding?_

_No :D_

_You liking it_

_Why?_

_It’s such a kiddie thing_

_Our nanny used to make it_

_My aunt used to make it for me._

_She doesn’t anymore?_

_I think she would if I asked her._

_But I’ve not got the nerve to._

_So it’s been a while?_

_Since you’ve had it?_

_Yes._

_Gosh_

_Puts the pressure on me_

_I’ve got to put my heart into it_

_It better be out of this world._

_Absolutely divine pudding._

_Or I won’t even start negotiating._

_Oh it will be_

_And really_

_As a dog owner_

_Could you bear to see him sad?_

_What’d you mean?_

_Well see for yourself_

_He’s head over heels with me_

_My sister took this earlier today_

Anne waited impatiently, when an icon of a video popped onto the conversation and started loading. Soon, she could see Ann sitting on the grass, tossing a tennis ball, Jack storming after it and returning to her, jumping on her lap, licking her face as she giggled and petted him. Anne played the video three times. It was fun to see Jack so happy, and Miss Walker too. And she had nice legs. 

_You are making me the monster here._

_While, in reality, it was my sister who set up this scheme._

_I just happened to be out of town this weekend._

_Oh he took a liking to me last week_

_When you visited_

_So really that falls on you_

_Oh._

_I should’ve sent him videos or called him._

_So he doesn’t forget about me._

_Isn’t that what people do these days?_

_Idk_

_Would you like to talk to him now?_

_I’m just taking him out now_

_Before dinner_

Anne bit her lip and glanced back inside over her shoulder, before pressing the video call button. The phone rang a few times, giving her a moment to make sure she appeared presentable, before Miss Walker picked up. 

“Hiya” Anne could only hear Miss Walker; her camera was on Jack, who was sniffing around in the vast back garden at the Walkers’. 

“Hello” Anne replied, “I don’t think he gets the concept, do you?” she mused, and Miss Walker let out a giggle in response. It took a second for the camera to flip, before Anne could see Miss Walker, smiling slightly out of breath, combing through her hair. 

“No, I don’t think so. Oh wow, is that a suit? Must be a fancy dinner party then.” 

“A tad on the posh side, yes” Anne nodded and raised a brow, “hasn’t really started yet, so I escaped outside for a minute.”

“I’m not keeping you?”

“Not in the least. How are you? How’s it been, hosting your sister and cousins?”

“Well, first they were drunk, then hung over and now getting drunk again.”

Anne laughed and shook her head.

“And you?” she asked Miss Walker.

“Comfortably tipsy, I’d say. But just that. No, really, it’s been lovely. I’ve missed them so much, and we’ve just talked and had a good laugh. And Jack’s been an angel, really.”

“Has he now?” 

“Well he did wake me up last night, I think he must’ve been lonely and scared and--”

“You didn’t let him in t’bed, did ya?” Anne’s accent slipped for a brief second. 

“Of course I did! I’m not heartless!” Ann gasped and laughed in defense.

“What, so I am?” Anne feigned hurt.

“No, but… You’ve got him under your command. He’s only… What is he? 8 weeks, 9 weeks?”

“I wouldn’t know. Something like that.”

“Yeah, and he’d fly to the moon if you told him to.” 

Anne chuckled and got up. 

“Well, I take it you’ve had trouble with him. If that’s the case, I’m not sharing my secrets with you. If you want to manage him, you’ll need me on your team.”

“And I shall have you” Miss Walker lifted her chin and smirked confident, “My bread and butter pudding will have you pop by regularly.” 

“Oh? And what if I don’t take him with me?” Anne arched a brow. Miss Walker narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips.

“Who says you’ll have him back at yours in the first place?”

Anne smiled and shook her head, before flipping her camera.

“Fancy a tour around the place?” she asked and went around the fire pit, showing the back garden of the hall.

“Oh my, that’s gorgeous!” she heard Miss Walker, “are you sure I’m not keeping you?”

“Absolutely. There’s drinks before we start, and a sweaty middle aged real estate investor is trying to impress me with his hiking skills” Anne grimaced before she realised Miss Walker couldn’t see her. Miss Walker tittered nevertheless.

“God, sounds awful.”

“It is. So no, you’re not keeping me. On the contrary, I’ll avoid company for as long as I possibly can.”

“Right. Where are you again?” Miss Walker asked.

“Cheshire. This is Lawton. My friend, Mrs Lawton, this is her countryside home.”

“Oh. Looks nice.”

“Really? I think it’s boring. It’s too big, and polished, and drafty. But the lake’s nice. I’ll walk you.”

***

Ann slipped her phone back in her pocket, and started a saunter down the main aisle of their garden. Jack took a spurt, but suddenly stopped and barely slouched forwards; it seemed like he had finally used up his energy reserves, and was fighting to make it back to the house. Ann lifted her hands to her hair and scratched her scalp, trying to awaken herself from the mental slumber the phone call had sent her to. They’d been interrupted by someone calling out for Anne Lister, and although Ann couldn’t see a tiny Anne Lister on her phone screen any longer, whenever she closed her eyes, Anne Lister’s face appeared on her retina. Eventually she reached the patio and turned to marvel at her garden bathing in the warm early evening sunlight. She tossed the tennis ball for Jack one last time, and by now the puppy was almost too exhausted to even attempt at fetching it. 

“Where the hell have you been?” her dreamy bubble was burst by her sister, who stormed on the patio, looking nettled, “you’ve been gone for over an hour!”

Ann looked surprised and utterly oblivious to both the passage of time and any bother she may have caused to her family members.

“Oh, I---” she mumbled, looking back at the garden and then back to her sister again, “I was just out with Jack. We just walked around the garden.”

“I called you! At least twice!”

“Oh, I… I didn’t hear my phone…”

“Not on your phone, dummy” Elizabeth sighed, “I came here, and I called out, but you were nowhere to be seen. Dinner’s ready, if not cold by now. Come on, then! And don’t go missing like that again, Ann. Gives me a proper fright.”

“I’m sorry. I really am” Ann shook her head, lamenting. 

“Nah, you’re alright. Come on, get your puppy” Elizabeth hurried and turned on her heel. Ann went to Jack and picked him up, and he didn’t resist in the least. Ann took a deep breath before stepping inside. Anne Lister’s soft laugh rang in her ears.

***

Anne put her phone back in her breast pocket and raked her fingers through her hair before walking to Mariana, who was leaning against the patio door expectantly. When Anne got closer, Mariana stepped outside and came to her, gingerly taking Anne’s hand.

“Where’d you disappear to?” she muttered and gently pulled Anne around the corner, away from the glass doors and big windows that gave in to the garden. 

“Mhh” Anne replied as Mary tenderly pushed her against the wall and ran her hands down Anne’s arms, “I just fancied a short walk.” Mary hummed, smiling, and arched her neck, and Anne leaned in to kiss her. Mary caressed Anne’s cheek and smirked, when they parted.

“Come. Let’s get you a drink” Mary murmured. Anne shook her head.

“Not tonight. I need to leave early tomorrow.” 

Mariana pulled back and arched a brow at Anne’s words. Anne took her hands into hers and kissed them hastily, casting Mariana a jaunty smile.

“I have a puppy to fetch.”


End file.
